F1 + Soccer
F1 jokes
Why does Kimi prefer walkin back to the garage?
At least that way he won't hav 2 engine failures in the same race.
Why did Montoya get a podium position in monaco?
Cuz ther'z no grass on the monaco circut to mow on.
Why did Jaques get penalised in the pit?
Cuz he was running a proper race soo far.
Why did Coulthard wear a cape after gettin off the car?
Cuz he jus crapped in all that excitement.
Wat did Ron Dennis tell Kimi after the monaco race?
Who said mclaren's r unreliable, Montoya's on podium,wat other reason do u want.
Wat did Uji Ide ask the race engineer during the race?
"Wher'z the reset button, i want to start all over."
How do u make a renault engine to develop more "horse" power?
Get the bloody "donkey" outta it.
What did barri do when he saw schumi pull up behind him in monacco?
He switched off his radio.
Why wd anyone prefer Tigerwoods than a Mclaren.
TW can drive farther than 200m
Schumi and DC are in a desert. Evening comes, they set up their tent. Both go to sleep. DC wakes up in the middle of the night. Schumi isn't in the tent. He can hear something coming from outside the tent. DC peeps out and sees Schumi running around the tent like crazy, a big lion after him... DC: Run faster, he's gonna catch you! But Schumi kept his cool.
Reason: he already lapped that lion.
Why is Rubeno when at Ferrari was so popular with the ladies?
A: Because he lets his partner come first!
What's the difference between Ide and a bus driver?
One is a highly skilled professional driver, and the other is in Formula 1
The F1 race in Monaco ends with a big crash. Six drivers are killed, Kimi Raikonnen is one of them.
Now his wife is invited to come to the morgue to identify her Kimi.
The coroner opens the first box - she: "No, that's not my Kimi!"
The coroner opens the second box - she: "No, that's not my Kimi!"
The coroner opens the third box - she: "No, that's not my Kimi!"
The coroner opens the fourth box - she: "Sniff - yes - sniff, that's my Kimi!"
And suddenly she loses self-control and cries: "F****** Kimi, again not in the first three!!!"
Reasons why regular cars are far superior than Formula One racing cars
No door... I mean, people have to climb in. Actually, ANYBODY can climb in and steal it. Pffft!
No roof... The people who drive these things are left open to the elements. Like, even convertible cars have something you can pull over your head.
No radio (AM and FM), no cassette nor CD player... how boring it must be to drive in those things for close to two hours without having anything to listen to.
No heating... Being left open to the elements, the drivers' toes must become very cold after a while.
No coffee cup holder... Those guys can spill all the hot (and dangerous stuff) over themselves. What with them steering with one hand and trying to drink with the other.
No ashtrays and electric lighter...
No windshield wipers... and they expect them to race in the rain?
No windshields... Well, I guess no. 7 and 8 go hand in hand.
No turn signals... How can they indicate they intend to pass?
No headlights... No wonder they only drive in the day time.
Only one brake light...
Only one seat... How can a guy go necking with his girlfriend at the local drive in?
No anchor for a baby seat... And they are trying to make us believe that safety comes first?
No trunk...
No adjustable seats... (mine goes back and forth, and can be tilted as well)
High fuel consumption...
Engines that don't last...
Tyres that just wear off in no time flat...
Where's the bloody ignition? I guess it's back to the old Model T days when the cars had to be crank started.
No sun visor... Must be fun driving those things with the sun in the eyes. Talk about accidents waiting to happen
All jokes r taken frm various websites
Soccer
Match between Brazil and Dummies
Ronaldhino says "i 'll take them out single handedly"
Match changed to Ronaldhino vs Dummies
Score at Half time
Brazil 1 0 Dummies (ron 19')
Full time score (Brazil 1 1 Dummies (xyz 89'))
Ron complains "That ref screwed me from winning this match"
Teammates ask "He dissallowed a goal, eh?"
Ron : "no"
Teammates: "The dummies were offside when they equalized?"
Ron:"No, the ref sent me off in the 20th min"
Q: What part of a football pitch smells nicest?
A: The scenter spot!
Q: Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
A: Because there is no atmosphere!
Q: What's the chilliest ground in the premiership?
A: Cold Trafford!
Q: How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle?
A: Somebody took a corner!
Q: Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?
A: Paul gas coin!
Q: What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?
A: Ince pies!
Q: What does a footballer and a magician have in common?
A: Both do hat tricks!
Q: Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
A: All of them, a crossbar can't jump!
Q: Why are football players never asked for dinner?
A: Because they're always dribbling!
Q: Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?
A: Because he liked sole music
Sir Alex is queuing in his local building society, when a gunman bursts in through the door demanding money. Ferguson attempts to tackle the raider, but gets knocked over...as he falls, his head smashes the counter and Sir Alex is out cold. The robber escapes and the cashier tries to revive Ferguson. After a few minutes he comes round and looks bewildered. His first words are "Where the hell am I?". The Cashier replies: "don't worry, its ok, you're in the Nationwide." Ferguson replies, "F*** me, is it May already?"
Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:
"Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan."
So, one of them asked the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"
Q: What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon?
A: A Problem.
Q: What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: An even bigger problem.
Q: What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: Problem solved
Q: What does Jose say when Chelsea score?
A: Fantastic. Now let us try to get goal at the other
Q: What do you get if you see a Chelsea fan buried up to his neck in sand?
A: More sand.
A bloke goes into Stanstead Airport and manages to eventually get into the departure lounge where his flight home is being called. All around him there are overturned tables, smashed windows, computer terminals broken, upturned chairs and crowd control barriers lying on the floor.
"Christ, what's happened here?" he asks one of the ground crew.
"Oh yeah...", he replies "Absolutely hopeless .... we had the Chelsea players in here this morning filming the new Nike ad".
A little boy took his parents to court because he did not want to live with them anymore. The honored judge said to him "So why don't you want to live with your dad?"
"Because he beats me" said the little boy.
"Why don't you want to live with your mum then?" asked the judge.
Because she beats me aswell.
"Oh" said the judge "Well who would you like to live with then?"
The little boy replied" I would like to live with Sunderland, because they don't beat anyone!!"
Alex Ferguson is curious how Arsenal reached the cl finals, so he decides on a visit to London to see how Arsene Wenger coaches his team. After one day he is not really impressed by the training practices, so he asks Wenger how he gets his players so sharp. 'Well it is simple. I sometimes ask my players a difficult question, and that way they stay really sharp mentally'. Of course Fergie wants an example, so Wenger asks Bergkamp to come over to the sidelines. He asks: 'Dennis, he is not your brother, but still he is your father's son. Who is he?' 'That is not difficult', Dennis answers immediately, 'Of course that is me'. 'You see? That's the way you keep them sharp', Wenger says to Fergie. Ferguson, who wants to shine in Europe also, decides to bring this into Manchester United's practice the next day. He calls Rooney over to the sidelines. 'Wayne, I have a question for you', he says, 'He is not your brother, but still he is your father's son, who is he?' 'My God, Coach', is the reply, 'That is a tough one to answer, can I sleep on that one night, and why do you ask me these questions?' Fergie explains it has to do with some continental coaching trick and agrees with the one night postponement. So that night Rooney decides to call Jaap Stam. He has played on the continent, maybe he knows something about these continental coaching methods. 'Jaap, maybe you know the answer to this question, he is not your brother, but still he is your father's son. Who is he?' 'That is easy, that is me!', says Jaap Stam. So the next day Wayne walks full of confidence to Ferguson. Fergie asks: 'Wayne, do you know the answer to my question now?'. 'Yes it was actually very easy', he says, 'Is it Jaap Stam?' Ferguson answers: 'No of course not you stupid idiot. It's Dennis Bergkamp
There was a Arsenal. fan with a really crappy seat at Highbury. Looking with his binoculars he spotted an empty seat on the half way line. Thinking to himself "What a waste", he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Arsenal fan." The other man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask you why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?" The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
Buffon was walking along the street one day when he heard screams from a nearby building. He looked up to see smoke billowing from a fourth-floor window and a woman leaning out holding a baby.
"Help ! Help!" screamed the woman, "I need someone to catch my baby!"
A crowd of onlookers had gathered, but none was confident about catching a baby dropped from such a great height. then Buffon, stepped forward. "I'm a professional goalkeeper," he called to the woman. "I'm renonwned for my safe hands. Drop the baby and I will catch it. For me, it will be just like catching a ball."
The woman agreed:"Ok, then. When I drop my baby, treat it as if you were catching a ball."
On a count of three, the woman dropped the baby. Everyone held their breath as the goalkeeper lined himself up to catch it. There was a huge sigh of relief, followed by wild cheering as he caught the baby safely in his arms. Then he bounced it twice on the ground and kicked it 50 yards down the street.
A border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. God invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan, the devil, proposed a soccer game between heaven and earth.
God, always fair, told the devil, 'The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don't you know all the "good" players go to heaven?"
The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs'..."
All jokes are taken from various websites
Enjoy!
