As I grabbed my cock and held it firmly in my hands I thought to myself 'this is going to get messy.' I grabbed the nearest sharp implement, my cleaver, and chopped at the head hard. As mangled as it was it refused to come off. I clenched my cleaver harder and swung with a mighty swing, chopping the head clean off with dark red blood spurting everywhere, just veins and arteries were left hanging from the core.
Anyway, I hate my job as a poultry farmer.
No rest for the wicked.
probably why I've got insomnia I suppose
My mum never let me play with scissors when I was younger.
I could only use rock or paper.
I got my girlfriend really wet yesterday and she didn't like it when I squirted all over her face, she kept shouting 'WHAT ARE YOU A CHILD?!?!'
But the weather was so good I had to get her with my water gun.
My teacher just told me we have an exam on Monday.
That's an oddly specific subject.
In my spare time I like to dress up as a knight, and jump over 20 parked cars on a horse.
I call myself Medieval Knievel.
A really sexy girl asked for my number this morning.
All I did was hit her car with my car.
I don't know what sort of animal the Sham is.
But its poo has done wonders for my hair
I couldn't finish all my food so the waitress asked me, "Excuse me sir, do you wanna box for that?"
"No, but I'll arm wrestle you for it." I replied
Not even in my wildest dreams did I think I'd work in a LSD factory run by french ginger unicorns.
My maths teacher gave me additional subtraction as a punishment. I don't know how to take it..
I was on a charity obstacle course race with my girlfriend when she fell, hit her head and died whilst attempting to climb over a wall.
I got over it.
It's always been a pipedream of mine to quit my job and work in an arcade but I'm scared of change
For years I struggled to make a sound when snapping my fingers.
Then suddenly it clicked.
The doctor just told me that I'm partially deaf, which was difficult to hear.
"Daddy, when I grow up I want to be a pharmacist!" my daughter exclaimed.
"Why on earth would she want to be a helper on a farm?" I thought to myself
I saw a man wearing a pink jacket and leather hot pants today. He was shouting at everyone.
He was a raging homosexual.
I've recently started a job retrieving litter.
It didn't require any training, I just picked it up as I went along.
I haven't yet established myself in Snooker.
I'm just waiting for my big break.
The EU can go f*ck themselves!
And the other vowels can p*ss off as well.
I just discovered a cure for the fact half of my face has collapsed on one side.
It's a stroke of genius.
playing chess improves intelligence, which is why I frequently play chess with the computer on the hardest level.
it keeps me in check.
