Why the insecurity about looks, age and skin colour (marriage/relationships)?

[AcceleratorX]

Alright, the thing goes like this: I (and by extension most of my friends) are at an age where we are young, nearly finished with studies and looking off towards a better future. For those who are trigger happy with relationships, this means the search is on. For others, they're at least thinking about things like love and marriage (and all that crap).

The more I talk to people, I realize a lot of **** is being thrown around about looks and skin colour in general as well as "preferences" in a relationship. This is not helped at all by depictions within local media (TV and print media). For example, common things I hear/see on a (almost) daily basis:

A) Dark guys can mix with and have relationships/marry any girl but a dark-skinned girl should not be in a relationship with any lighter skinned guy whatsoever. This is not helped by arranged marriage traditions sometimes discriminating against dark skinned women and favouring fairer ones, as well as common married couples seen every day where the lighter skinned man with a darker skinned woman is less common. Even in my college days I remember when a guy had a relationship with a darker girl people used to tell him "but she's so dark!". Also, note that TV serials seem to have a heavy bias towards lighter skinned women, going as far as performing skin tone correction in post processing to "boost" the skin tones (ever noticed why women are either together in a scene, or shown alone in most scenes and very few scenes show men and women in the same shot?)

So, Question 1: Why the hell does anyone care so much about skin colour? Why is "fair" perceived to be more attractive? "Attractiveness" is a very subjective thing, and what someone generally calls "attractive" is related to personality and features, not necessarily skin colour. Why is our nation obsessed with this?

B) What's the big deal about height and body building amongst guys, and the age thing? A lot of guys I know think being taller makes them automatically more attractive. For some reason a lot of men also like to hit on younger girls, sometimes much younger (I understand there's the maturity thing, but the thing is if you're 27 and are just as mature as a 20 year old girl, it's your loss and not something to be proud of!). Body building, well, its my opinion that if you're doing it just to impress girls, you've missed the point.

I always thought a good relationship is about trust, respect, care and personality rather than height, weight, age, skin colour and that crap. Yet, this kind of "preference" seems to cut across barriers, being somewhat prevalent in arranged marriages as well as love/relationship-based ones. What is the reason for this? Why is our media and social structure conditioned to think of "certain" things as being more desirable and attractive?

In fact, I'll even present some facts here:

1) If you start building your body, you'd better keep it that way. The skin ages considerably if it has to alternate between periods of expansion and contraction. So "occasional" builders will age faster.
2) In India, dark skinned people age slower and live longer. There is a scientific reason for this: More melanin = less sun damage (and India has an intense sun) = less ageing/contraction/expansion of the skin = less DNA damage. It is surprising that this is not desirable in India especially in arranged marriages where the intention is to ensure a long married happy life for the bride and groom.
3) Physical aging is a myth; today men and women age the same because the lifestyles are converging. In fact I'll say men age faster because they have rougher lifestyles at younger ages (Who hasn't gone out every day as boys to play the odd football/cricket match? ). That leaves hormonal aging as the only factor. Even so, men today aren't exactly example of grooming beauty after 30 either - how many people (men and women) today seem to be getting greys at an early age (for example)?

The only valid reason I understand is that of maturity - that women can be more mature than men at the same age. Over time, this will also change because your maturity is defined by your experiences in life and your personality and not by your gender.

So, why all this insecurity? If a guy or girl has a good personality, takes care of you and is a good person, and in case of arranged marriage is of a compatible culture/region/caste/(whatever), what else do you really need?

(I'm totally ignoring the money factor here so please don't bring it in . Also, if someone says I'm a frustrated dark skinned guy, let's clear the air - I'm very light skinned and I've never had to face a problem with my skin colour anywhere in India. Even so I have seen this slight discrimination at times and have always wondered about it. I think a lot of dark skinned people are just as attractive, good-looking and intelligent as some lighter skinned people and shouldn't face disadvantages just because they are darker.

Think about it - a nation where over 80% of people are brownish-skinned obsesses a lot over the remaining less than 20%? Not cool!)

 

[ssk_the_gr8]

well its also a cultural thing we are... racist(not in the exact sense, but we do find reasons to discriminate easily colour, caste, religion etc.)
People try to find petty things to prove their superiority when they dont have enough brains or character or wit to actually be better than someone

With our generation , i see a change.. people are not so much concerned about such things but it's still their. It has not gone away.

 

[dashing.sujay]

With our generation , i see a change..

They still discriminate on the basis of color.

 

[Allu Azad]

May be British influence

 

[ssk_the_gr8]

They still discriminate on the basis of color.

like i mentioned.. it's still there

 

[Anish]

Well, this - the skin color is a issue world wide and not just India.!
This one thing I hate about Indians is the caste discrimination!

 

[roady]

Isn't it somewhat opposite among India and US?

Indians, majorly girls, are obsessed with white skin. (I, being an Indian, do have a "white" skin, and I can very well tell you with my first hand experience on how badly girls are obsessed with it.)

As for the US, I have many US friends in which, again, many are in favor of getting a tan. It's like a fashion over there. I won't say they dislike white skin, but they just prefer getting a tan cause it looks "cool". I'm talking about girls.

But I think, personally, fairness is a synonym of "clean" in India. Our parents would prefer a woman with a "cleaner" skin than a darker skin. I still remember my grandma saying one day - "yeh kudi te badi sundar si.. " just because she was really fair, which my grandma stated later. I think it's just.. how it is imbibed in our culture.

There are girls I know which are equally jealous of me, just because a GUY is fairer. What the hell? One girl came down to such a level that she actually offered some tanning lotion lol.

Hope this skin drama fades over sooner or later.

 

[sujoyp]

We indians r really obsessed by fair skin and u can check the sales figure of fair and lovely for comparison

But what the OP said about personality ,love and relationship is a different matter....

love can definitely happen with anyone....if a love is coz of fair skin then its just infatuation and will not work for long
In case of arrange marrige people prefer fair girls but dark men works...but a fair men likes to have fair women too soo that there family continues with fair skin

 

[tech_boy]

F*** the looks or skin colour or whatever the people say..... God has made all of us unique and we should be proud of what we are.....

 

[TheSloth]

Personally, I don't mind if I marry a black girl. But my parents will surely ask how you fell in love with her. And I have noticed one thing,if a girl is not good looking,say fat, no guy will talk to her, but not the same case with guys, if guy isn't good looking,people will talk unless he start first. youngsters are choosing friends(not love) based on their looks. I'll say to those kind of people,grow up.
If a girl can take care of me and family(if not care then atleast respect) then why wouldn't a guy marry her. Guys think(in case of arrange marriage) shadi to ek bar hoti hai, mast honi chahiye.

We indians r really obsessed by fair skin and u can check the sales figure of fair and lovely for comparison

But what the OP said about personality ,love and relationship is a different matter....

love can definitely happen with anyone....if a love is coz of fair skin then its just infatuation and will not work for long
In case of arrange marrige people prefer fair girls but dark men works...but a fair men likes to have fair women too soo that there family continues with fair skin

so true. I know a exactly a same case but I am not sure of reason,But people say,well they always say

 

[AcceleratorX]

Isn't it somewhat opposite among India and US?

Yeah, to an extent it is, but even in the US people don't really dig the white or black skin colours. They're more into middle-of-the-road skin tones like beige, olive, yellow, etc. I recall several instances where some of the shallow (at the time) teenaged girls in the US used to think my mediterranean beige skin was so sexy
Tanning's the "in" thing there hehe (But they need it because their extreme white skin doesn't produce enough melanin to protect them from sunburns and DNA damage, and if you're going to be travelling a lot with that kind of skin you'd better develop a good tan).

Indians, majorly girls, are obsessed with white skin. (I, being an Indian, do have a "white" skin, and I can very well tell you with my first hand experience on how badly girls are obsessed with it.)

I know, that's kinda why I started this thread. So many of my friends, now afraid they won't find a lover or get an arranged marriage are trying out all kinds of bleach packs and treatments to try and get whiter.....in the long run this is so harmful to them! But like I've mentioned earlier, the darker skinned people age slower and look young longer than light skinned people, so I really don't get what's the advantage there because 10-15 years down the line the brown/black person is going to have less wrinkles than me, for example!

There are girls I know which are equally jealous of me, just because a GUY is fairer. What the hell? One girl came down to such a level that she actually offered some tanning lotion lol.

I have a similar story to share: My skin tans really fast, so it is adaptive to the location I'm currently staying in. So if I stay a month in a place like Andaman and Nicobar, I turn to a light brown and then coming back to Mumbai or Bangalore people don't give me much of a second look coz I look like the average Indian guy. But this one time I went to the North East for a few weeks in winter and lost all my tan and came back with a very Chinese skin tone, and just because of this one thing I saw everybody looking at me, especially a lot of young college going girls. Many of my friends even asked me what I did, a lot more girls came up to talk to me and complemented me that I'm looking great. I was so surprised, because it wasn't like I wasn't the same guy a few weeks ago......

In case of arrange marrige people prefer fair girls but dark men works...but a fair men likes to have fair women too soo that there family continues with fair skin

So wouldn't the dark guy marrying a fair woman undermine the "mission" of continuing the family with fair skin? They should be racist there too....but no, mostly this is directed towards women.
To be frank this is not correct: Genetics considers lineage from many, many generations when determining genes. For example both my parents are light brown, I turned out yellowish white (untanned) and beige (normal). A fair couple will have a (slightly) darker child if they give birth to it in a place like Chennai: environment has a role to play as well.

Personally, I don't mind if I marry a black girl. But my parents will surely ask how you fell in love with her.

Exactly....In my family they even start talking if that happens....

If a girl can take care of me and family(if not care then atleast respect) then why wouldn't a guy marry her.

Believe it or not people do actually reject good men and women on frivolous things such as this. One of my female working friends fell in love with a dark skinned guy who also happened to be a Manglik and all hell broke loose with the parents since he did not have a "single attractive quality" (i.e. no fair skin, Manglik to boot, was of a different culture and caste, etc.)

Oh, a little note regarding such issues in other nations:

In other nations like Latin American countries, Spain, Italy, Mexico, etc. these problems are still present but not nearly to the same extent, and in those nations nobody is ever outright rejected because of skin tones. That happens only in nations like the Middle East, India and Pakistan.

Fun fact in a lighter vein: This here is the Von Luschan Skin Tone chart, a bunch of tiles to match your untanned skin colour with to classify your skin's behaviour with respect to sunlight. It's mostly used by beauticians and frequent international travellers to determine whether the weather conditions will be suited for their skin (for example a black guy will suffer a vitamin D deficiency in a very cold nation whereas a white guy will have a high chance of developing cancer in a hot nation).

*1.bp.blogspot.com/-fjCjf5ovO-Q/TpO2E-lUmUI/AAAAAAAAAC4/yEMeF5OVKe0/s1600/skin-tone-scale.jpg

Based on these tiles your skin tone is classified as one of the following:

Type I: Scores 1-5
Type II: 6-10
Type III: 11-15
Type IV: 16-21
Type V: 22-28
Type VI: 29-36

(In the above chart I'm a 15 or 16 I think, comparing indoors - all skin will appear lighter under sunlight)

In racist as well as non-racist societies, empirical studies suggest that Type III and IV ("intermediates") are considered the most attractive globally because they are not ghostly white, nor "dirty" dark, and these two types of skin do not need to worry about vitamin D or sunburns or cancer no matter where they travel.

So basically in terms of Indian society all white people should marry dark people so that their kids end up as intermediates, though to be frank all of this consideration of skin colour is just a load of crap to me

A different, funnily edited version of the same colour chart for laughs:

*studioknow.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/skin-tone-chart.jpg

 

[Faun]

I know, that's kinda why I started this thread. So many of my friends, now afraid they won't find a lover or get an arranged marriage are trying out all kinds of bleach packs and treatments to try and get whiter.....in the long run this is so harmful to them! But like I've mentioned earlier, the darker skinned people age slower and look young longer than light skinned people, so I really don't get what's the advantage there because 10-15 years down the line the brown/black person is going to have less wrinkles than me, for example!

That depends on skin type. Oily skin people tend to retain the softness and better texture of skin for longer compared to dry skin people who get wrinkles fast. Correct me if I am wrong.

So wouldn't the dark guy marrying a fair woman undermine the "mission" of continuing the family with fair skin? They should be racist there too....but no, mostly this is directed towards women.
To be frank this is not correct: Genetics considers lineage from many, many generations when determining genes. For example both my parents are light brown, I turned out yellowish white (untanned) and beige (normal). A fair couple will have a (slightly) darker child if they give birth to it in a place like Chennai: environment has a role to play as well.

haha...where did you get that ?

 

[AcceleratorX]

That depends on skin type. Oily skin people tend to retain the softness and better texture of skin for longer compared to dry skin people who get wrinkles fast. Correct me if I am wrong.

....that too, and skin colour as well. Melanin is a very good sunblock and protects against all kinds of UV damage, you see. If you compare similar skin types (and lifestyles) the darker person will age slower physically. There's some small scientific evidence that supports this.

haha...where did you get that ?

Well, no study proves this (or I haven't seen it) but it stands to reason that if you are born and growing up from childhood in a hotter place with not much of a significant winter, your skin will adapt and naturally produce more melanin (since it expects more radiation), thus making you slightly darker. Of course this doesn't change your genetic make up but you will look a little darker if you are born and grown in a hotter place provided you lived an "average" lifestyle.

On the other hand if you just live there for a few years the tan stays just as long as you stay there.

All I'm saying is that this stuff really isn't in anybody's hands and just marrying a dark or fair skinned person doesn't guarantee anything for your family or your children since way more is involved than just the two parents, that's why I feel it really shouldn't be a factor in our society.....

 

[shashankm]

Melanin is to be blamed for virality of this issue one way or other. As a North Indian, I find myself fair but then one or two of my South Indian friends were fairer than fair and lovely, much to my bewilderment. They've been born n bred in Delhi and a full fledged punju born down south in Mysore, were incredibly dark! So climate DOES play a role in crafting the skin tone up. As far as hip for fairer skin is concerned, take it or leave it, it does look good and certainly makes you stand out! I know a south indian family, whose only son got married to a himachal based girl and boy they were visibly ecstatic, however same can't be inferred in the vice versa case. Although thats the secondary thing, you need to have features as well to complement the grace. If you haven't you ain't got anything!

 

[RCuber]

One of my distant relative (boy) got married to a American Citizen (girl) the only similar thing about both of them was "Weight"

I do agree that the local climate has a impact on the skintone.. I was very fair 15 yrs ago.. now I am Black & White .

I don't have any preference in skin color, its the understanding which should match..

 

[asingh]

With the constant invasions in India, the Anglo-phone culture, and the penchant for the caste system -it- is just a forerunner. But times are changing.

 

[TheSloth]

Today I saw a south Indian movie, I was thinking, the hero in south Indian movies can be dark, not so smart too, but heroin will must have very fair color and so beautiful.

 

[Abhishek Nama]

Today I saw a south Indian movie, I was thinking, the hero in south Indian movies can be dark, not so smart too, but heroin will must have very fair color and so beautiful.

Yes, that's true with all the South Indian movies.

 

[mohiuddin]

simple rule. price of things that are quite available in plenty , is low or even priceless. but rare things even of much less usability are pricy. does not work all time but work most of the time.

 

[Chetan1991]

@OP There is a big truth you haven't considered, something akin to people in the matrix not being aware of its existence (You have seen "The Martix" right?)

Let me begin with an analogy. When a computer is running, everything happens in terms of Boolean algebra. No matter what you are doing, writing a document, watching a movie, creating 3D animation, programming, it is all executed in terms of Boolean algebra in the from of billions of transistors either letting a pulse of electricity pass or not.

Similarly most of the actions we take in life are influenced by our biological urges, which every animal possesses.
It is biology, whether you can see or not, similar to someone with no knowledge of computers not understanding how a video can be nothing more than electrical pulses.

The most important basic urge of any animal is survival of self, which is manifested in the form of gathering food (hunting, agriculture, getting jobs) and fight/flight response to danger, but that's not what we are looking at.

The second basic urge is survival of the species, which is accomplished via procreation (sex) with the most compatible and best specimen (of the other gender) of your species.
Smooth flawless supple skin, hourglass shape, wide hips etc. are definite proofs of superior genes in a woman, and that is why we are attracted to them instinctively, without thinking.

Color I cannot comment on since I don't know much about its relation with genetics. I guess dark color is created just for protection of skin from UV rays.
It has been stated that (I don't know if its true) fairer skin is the result of more estrogen, the female hormone. Thus fairer skin means more estrogen resulting in more feminine nature of a woman and hence increased attractiveness, just as high heels increase vulnerability, bringing out the protector instinct in males, increasing the female's attractiveness.

As a side note I have always been attracted to girls with skin lighter than mine with a few exceptions, but I am free to make my choice you cannot call it unfair.

3) Physical aging is a myth; today men and women age the same because the lifestyles are converging. In fact I'll say men age faster because they have rougher lifestyles at younger ages (Who hasn't gone out every day as boys to play the odd football/cricket match? ). That leaves hormonal aging as the only factor. Even so, men today aren't exactly example of grooming beauty after 30 either - how many people (men and women) today seem to be getting greys at an early age (for example)?

Women's beauty is a very fragile and temporary phase, from the ages of 15-30, after which it starts to decline fast, whereas a man can look handsome even in his 50s if he takes care of his body and mind. e.g. Salman Khan looked like a champu when young but now he looks great. Only a few women look great after 35. Feminine beauty has no other purpose than to help the female find and attract the best mate.

The only valid reason I understand is that of maturity - that women can be more mature than men at the same age. Over time, this will also change because your maturity is defined by your experiences in life and your personality and not by your gender.

So, why all this insecurity? If a guy or girl has a good personality, takes care of you and is a good person, and in case of arranged marriage is of a compatible culture/region/caste/(whatever), what else do you really need?

I call BS on your maturity theory. Now you are yourself generalizing. What proof do you have about women being more mature than us? Maybe this will help you understand: All Girls Are Spoiled Children

I think I answered your insecurity question already. Looks matter, especially in women since looks are signs of superior genetics, hence potential for a better offspring.
Final decision is yours.

Think about it - a nation where over 80% of people are brownish-skinned obsesses a lot over the remaining less than 20%? Not cool!)

Equality is a lie. As you said everyone is unique. Hierarchy is the truth of nature, though it is not absolute hierarchy. e.g. I could be at the top of hierarchy of knowledge, and at bottom of hierarchy of looks. If everyone was equal and the same the world would be boring, and without diversity.