Share Your Computer Jokes Here

[Tech Geek]

Re: Jokes in my mail



where do u get this from

 

[~Phenom~]

Re: Jokes in my mail

great jokes yaar. about those 17 lines , everything was true.

 

[__Virus__]

Re: Jokes in my mail

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.. hahahahahahahahahahaa

 

[dIgItaL_BrAt]

Re: Jokes in my mail

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it
crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

ha LOL

 

[max_demon]

Re: Jokes

*members.rediff.com/chiruroy/jokes.htm

 

[piyush gupta]

Re: Jokes

so long long jokes

isnt it a joke

 

[subratabera]

Re: Jokes

Statutory Warning: Can be injurious to non-programmers

A compilation of *Hello World programs* designed by
various categories of *developer* follows.


High School/Jr.High
===================

10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END

First year in College
=====================
program Hello(input, output)
begin
writeln('Hello World')
end.

Senior year in College
======================
(defun hello
(print
(cons 'Hello (list 'World))))

New professional
================
#include <stdio.h>
void main(void)
{
char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"};
int i;

for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i)
printf("%s", message);
printf("\n");
}

Seasoned professional
=====================
#include <iostream.h>
#include <string.h>

class string
{
private:
int size;
char *ptr;

public:
string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {}

string(const string &s) : size(s.size)
{
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, s.ptr);
}

~string()
{
delete [] ptr;
}

friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &);
string &operator=(const char *);
};

ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s)
{
return(stream << s.ptr);
}

string &string:perator=(const char *chrs)
{
if (this != &chrs)
{
delete [] ptr;
size = strlen(chrs);
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, chrs);
}
return(*this);
}

int main()
{
string str;

str = "Hello World";
cout << str << endl;

return(0);
}

Master Programmer
=================
[
uuid(2573F8F4-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
]
library LHello
{
// bring in the master library
importlib("actimp.tlb");
importlib("actexp.tlb");

// bring in my interfaces
#include "pshlo.idl"

[
uuid(2573F8F5-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
]
cotype THello
{
interface IHello;
interface IPersistFile;
};
};

[
exe,
uuid(2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
]
module CHelloLib
{

// some code related header files
importheader(<windows.h>);
importheader(<ole2.h>);
importheader(<except.hxx>);
importheader("pshlo.h");
importheader("shlo.hxx");
importheader("mycls.hxx");

// needed typelibs
importlib("actimp.tlb");
importlib("actexp.tlb");
importlib("thlo.tlb");

[
uuid(2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820),
aggregatable
]
coclass CHello
{
cotype THello;
};
};

#include "ipfix.hxx"

extern HANDLE hEvent;

class CHello : public CHelloBase
{
public:
IPFIX(CLSID_CHello);

CHello(IUnknown *pUnk);
~CHello();

HRESULT __stdcall PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString);

private:
static int cObjRef;
};

#include <windows.h>
#include <ole2.h>
#include <stdio.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
#include "thlo.h"
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "mycls.hxx"

int CHello::cObjRef = 0;

CHello::CHello(IUnknown *pUnk) : CHelloBase(pUnk)
{
cObjRef++;
return;
}

HRESULT __stdcall CHello:rintSz(LPWSTR pwszString)
{
printf("%ws\n", pwszString);
return(ResultFromScode(S_OK));
}

CHello::~CHello(void)
{

// when the object count goes to zero, stop the server
cObjRef--;
if( cObjRef == 0 )
PulseEvent(hEvent);

return;
}

#include <windows.h>
#include <ole2.h>
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "mycls.hxx"

HANDLE hEvent;

int _cdecl main(
int argc,
char * argv[]
) {
ULONG ulRef;
DWORD dwRegistration;
CHelloCF *pCF = new CHelloCF();

hEvent = CreateEvent(NULL, FALSE, FALSE, NULL);

// Initialize the OLE libraries
CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

CoRegisterClassObject(CLSID_CHello, pCF, CLSCTX_LOCAL_SERVER,
REGCLS_MULTIPLEUSE, &dwRegistration);

// wait on an event to stop
WaitForSingleObject(hEvent, INFINITE);

// revoke and release the class object
CoRevokeClassObject(dwRegistration);
ulRef = pCF->Release();

// Tell OLE we are going away.
CoUninitialize();

return(0); }

extern CLSID CLSID_CHello;
extern UUID LIBID_CHelloLib;

CLSID CLSID_CHello = { /* 2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
0x2573F891,
0xCFEE,
0x101A,
{ 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }
};

UUID LIBID_CHelloLib = { /* 2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
0x2573F890,
0xCFEE,
0x101A,
{ 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }
};

#include <windows.h>
#include <ole2.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
#include <string.h>
#include <stdio.h>
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "clsid.h"

int _cdecl main(
int argc,
char * argv[]
) {
HRESULT hRslt;
IHello *pHello;
ULONG ulCnt;
IMoniker * pmk;
WCHAR wcsT[_MAX_PATH];
WCHAR wcsPath[2 * _MAX_PATH];

// get object path
wcsPath[0] = '\0';
wcsT[0] = '\0';
if( argc 1) {
mbstowcs(wcsPath, argv[1], strlen(argv[1]) + 1);
wcsupr(wcsPath);
}
else {
fprintf(stderr, "Object path must be specified\n");
return(1);
}

// get print string
if(argc 2)
mbstowcs(wcsT, argv[2], strlen(argv[2]) + 1);
else
wcscpy(wcsT, L"Hello World");

printf("Linking to object %ws\n", wcsPath);
printf("Text String %ws\n", wcsT);

// Initialize the OLE libraries
hRslt = CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {

hRslt = CreateFileMoniker(wcsPath, &pmk);
if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt))
hRslt = BindMoniker(pmk, 0, IID_IHello, (void **)&pHello);

if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {

// print a string out
pHello->PrintSz(wcsT);

Sleep(2000);
ulCnt = pHello->Release();
}
else
printf("Failure to connect, status: %lx", hRslt);

// Tell OLE we are going away.
CoUninitialize();
}

return(0);
}

Apprentice Hacker
===================

#!/usr/local/bin/perl
$msg="Hello, world.\n";
if ($#ARGV >= 0) {
while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) {
$outfilename = $arg;
open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) || die "Can't write $arg: $!\n";
print (FILE $msg);
close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg: $!\n";
}
} else {
print ($msg);
}
1;

Experienced Hacker
===================

#include <stdio.h>
#define S "Hello, World\n"
main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);}

Seasoned Hacker
===================

% cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
% a.out

Guru Hacker
===================

% cat
Hello, world.
^D

New Manager
===================

10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END

Middle Manager
===================

mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12
Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello, world."?
I need it by tomorrow.
^D

Senior Manager
===================

% zmail jim
I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon.

Chief Executive
===================

% letter
letter: Command not found.
% mail
To: ^X ^F ^C
% help mail
help: Command not found.

% damn!
!: Event unrecognized
% logout

-----------------

 

[max_demon]

Re: Jokes

Statutory Warning: Can be injurious to non-programmers

This is Whole COPY PASTE

 

[sariq]

Re: Jokes

This is Whole COPY PASTE

LOL
what you think rest are self made

 

[subratabera]

Re: Jokes

LOL
what you think rest are self made

LOL

 

[max_demon]

Re: Jokes

LOL

Lolz
not at all.

 

[GNUrag]

Re: Jokes

<Splinton> So I'm on my honeymoon with my wife right...and after we're done fuc|<ing, I get up to go to the bathroom, and without thinking I left a $50 on the bed.
<Aron> Oh sh!t..
<Splinton> Yeah...
<Aron> She'll get over it right though? She can't possibly expect you've never been with a woman up til now?
<Splinton> Yeah that's not what I'm worried about...she gave me $20 change!

*bash.org/?681428

 

[max_demon]

Re: Jokes

<Splinton> So I'm on my honeymoon with my wife right...and after we're done ****ing, I get up to go to the bathroom, and without thinking I left a $50 on the bed.
<Aron> Oh ****..
<Splinton> Yeah...
<Aron> She'll get over it right though? She can't possibly expect you've never been with a woman up til now?
<Splinton> Yeah that's not what I'm worried about...she gave me $20 change!

*bash.org/?681428

Is this in forumn rules we can Post these things really!!!
__________
Brain transplant

If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.

 

[GNUrag]

Re: Jokes

Is this in forumn rules we can Post these things really!!!

There's a thin line which divides obscenity and light-joke.
other mods may lock this up if they find it objectionable.

 

[max_demon]

Re: Jokes

Brain transplant

If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.


Meaning of words

He doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear" - but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words.


Don't let you mind wander

Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own.


The brain

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.


I am not interested

Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not. I hate everybody, and you're next.


Nobody's fool

I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.


My opinion

I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?


Never used it...

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.


Everything you are not...

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not.


Have I seen you someplace?

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Silver spoon

He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and every time he goes to a restaurant, he tries to complete the set.


The sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you. But, the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.


You are so sexy

Hey friend, remember that without stupidity there can be no wisdom and without ugliness there can be no beauty...so the world needs you after all!


Simple things in life

Raj: My sister’s boyfriend loves the simple things in life -that’s why he chose her! You are so beautiful, sweet and faithful... It’s a pity I do not like animals!

"*xtraedition.indiatimes.com/articlelist/1599564.cms"
__________
ha ha ha

 

[shaunak]

Re: Jokes

Some jokes:

What do constipated mathematicians do? Work it out with a pencil.
What do really constipated mathematicians do? Work it out with logs.

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an Indian, using Bill Gates's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant.
That, my friends, is Globalization!!

Itemized billing!

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is!".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly, again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999.
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

_____________________________
Some tech jokes:

Computer lingo meaning for a farmer!

LOG ON: Making the wood stove hotter
LOG OFF: Don`t add wood
MONITOR : Keep an eye on the wood stove
MEGAHERTZ: When a big log drops on your barefoot in the morning
FLOPPY DISK : What you get from piling too much wood
RAM: The hydraulic thing that makes the woodsplitter work
DRIVE: Getting home during most of the winter
PROMPT: What you wish the mail was during the snow season
ENTER: Come on in
WINDOWS: What you shut when it gets 10 below normal
SCREEN: What is a must during black fly season
CHIP: What you munch during Vikings games
MICROCHIP: What`s left in the bag when the chips are gone
MODEM: What you did to the hay fields last July
DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix`s wife
LAPTOP: Where the grandkids sit
KEYBOARD: Where you suppose to put the keys so that Misses can find them
SOFTWARE: The plastic picnic utensils, ya?
MOUSE: What leaves them little turds in the cupboard
MAINFRAME: The part of the sauna that holds up the roof
PORT: Where do commericial fishing boats dock
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When you can`t remember how much you spent on the new deer rifle when the wife asks about it.

Laloo Prasad & Bill Gates

The following is the conversation between Lallo Prasad Yadav and Bill Gates.
Gates : Hi! you must have heard of Windows.
Lallo : Oh yes! In most govt. offices we have the single window clearance concept.
Gates : At home have u installed Windows?
Lallo : I have removed all windows due to increased burglaries in our house.
Gates (Confused): Then what is the system you operate on?
Lallo : OPERATION ? Yes I had a Hernia operation last month.
Gates (Sweating) : Hope the internet is being used a lot in India.
Lallo : Oh Yes! Due to increased mosquito problems many people are sleeping under the net.
Gates : By the year 2000 India should export computer chips.
Lallo : We are already exporting Uncle Chips.
Gates (Feeling very Uneasy): do you regularly use LapTops?
Lallo : My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.
Gates (Heavily Sweating): The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM and ROM.
Lallo : RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available in A.P..
Gates(Feeling Dizzy): I would like to take your leave before my system crashes.
Lallo : I have exhuasted all my leave.
Gates : I have no energy left let us go out and have a bite.
Lallo : BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.
Gates : (System Crashes and Found Missing). "Windows is restarting.Please wait............."

Tech Support!!

Why we should feel sorry for tech support people:
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."
The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."


Tech Support: "OK Bob, let`s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter `P` to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don`t have a `P`."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "`P` on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I`m not going to do that!"


Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this:
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

Customer: "So that`ll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that`s the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

_____________________________________________
And some Pj's from my mail

Pilot`s eyesight!

An airline pilot with poor eyesight managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand.
One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that he`d been suckered all these years. Then the doctor could not contain his curiosity. "How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example do you taxi the plane out to the runway?"

"Well," said the pilot, "it`s really not very hard. All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years."
"I can understand that," replied the doctor. "But what about the take- off?"
"Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!"
"But once you`re aloft?"
"Oh, everything`s fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our destination, and all I have to do is hit the auto-pilot and the plane pretty much flies itself."
"But I still don`t see how you land!"
"Oh, that`s the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airport`s radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell, `AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!`, then I will pull the nose up, and the plane lands just fine!"

Club donation!

The president of the service club asked his new member, "Would you like to donate something to the home for the aged?"
The new member replied, "Yes, my mother-in-law."

Smart Chauffeur

A successful scientist was on his way to a seminar where he was supposed to give a lecture on his new breakthrough in research. His chauffeur saw his tired look and felt sorry for him.

"Sir, why don't you take the day off today", he said, "I've heard your lecture so many times by now I know it by heart. I can give the lecture and you can just sit back and relax."

The scientist thought this was a great idea, since he was sick and tired of giving the exact same lecture over and over again.

When they arrived at the seminar the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and seated himself in the back of the lecture hall. His trusted chauffeur walked to the podium and gave an excellent lecture showing at least as much confidence as the scientist would.

At the end of the lecture the chauffeur asked, just as his master always does, "Are there any questions?"

One of the professors in the hall stood up and asked a long question about a very complicated and highly theoretical matter. The chauffeur was panicking silently but finally managed to pull himself together.

"That, professor, is a very simple question," he answered, "in fact, it is so simple even my chauffeur can answer it."

A Letter to God

The post office received a letter addressed "To God." Not knowing where to deliver it, they forwarded it to one of the nearby churches.

The pastor read it at the next charity committee meeting:

Dear God,

I hate to bother you, but my family is having it tough right now. The rent is two month's due, my wife is expecting, and my car is broke down. Plus I just lost my job as a night watchman due to sleeping on the job. Please send us 1,000 bucks and I won't bother you again.

The pastor read the name and one of the members recognized it. "He lives right down the street from the church," she said. "This might be a good way to witness to him and show him we care."

The others agreed but the church fund was only to help members. Finally, after much discussion, they decided to pool their resources and give from their own pockets. They came up with 500 bucks, then wrote out a check from the church and sent it to him.

Months passed with no word of thanks or even acknowledgment. Some time later they received another letter forwarded to them addressed to God. It was from the same fellow.

Dear God,

I hate to bother you again, but I lost my new job at the shoe store, my car was wrecked, and my wife is in the hospital again. Please send me 1,000 bucks to get these creditors off our backs.
Thanks again.

P.S. Please send it to me directly this time. Last time you sent it through the church next door and those dirty crooks kept half of it.

Conveyance in heaven

Three guys die and go to heaven.
The first guy goes up to St. Peter, who says, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"
The guy thinks a moment then says, "No. No. I was always faithful to her through 55 years of marriage."
St. Peter scratches something down in a big book, then he says to the guy, "OK, mister, you can have that Rolls Royce over there to drive around here."
Now second guy goes up to St. Peter. He asks him, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"
This second guy takes a moment. He hems and haws a few minutes, then he says, "Well, I did flirt a little, and there was that one night with Julia. But other than that I tried to remain faithful to my wife through 40 years of marriage. I guess I just wasn`t perfect, huh?"
St. Peter scratches something in his book and says, "Don`t worry about it. You can have that motorbike over there to get around."
Third guy too gets the same question.
The guy blushes a bit.
"C`mon," he says. "You know I wasn`t the best of husbands. I cheated on my wife three times, and then I was a terrible flirt."
"I know, I know," says St. Peter without looking up from his Big Book. He scratches something down in that book then says, "Don`t worry about it. We`ll let you have that bicycle over there."
A few weeks later, guys no. 2 and no. 3 were driving along when they see Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go inside and find guy no.1 with empty bottles all around him, his face down in his hands on the table.
Guy no. 2 asks him, "What could possibly be wrong, you got to heaven, you`re driving a Rolls Royce, and everything`s great."
"I saw my wife today", he replied.
Guy no. 3 says, "That`s great! So, what`s the problem?"
He answers, "She was on roller skates!"

Six Nights

A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had to appear in court, taking along her long-suffering husband for marital support.

The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the judge told her that, considering her record, he was forced to impose a jail term.

"This time you stole a can of tomatoes. There were six tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?"

The woman agreed.

"Then I sentence you to six nights in jail."

The husband jumped to his feet, addressing the judge, "Your honor, may I approach the bench?"

"Well," said his honor, "this is somewhat unusual but I will make an exception in this case. You may approach the bench."

The husband wasted no time getting there and, leaning forward, he said in a low voice, "She also stole a can of peas."

Perfect Woman!

Sunny is almost 35 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Sunny just dates and dates.

Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Sunny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Sunny weeks go by and again Sunny and his friend get together.

So Sunny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?

Sunny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."

"Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"

Dog Bite

A man is out walking his dog one day when it slips the leash and runs away.

As the man is chasing him down the street, the dog runs into a yard and bites the lady that lives there.

The woman rushes into the house and sends her husband out to deal with the man and his dog.

The dog owner is beside himself with worry as the husband approaches, and says, "Sir, how about a settlement. Would one thousand rupees do?"

The husband pauses for a moment and replies, "Sure, and if you come around next week, it's worth another one thousand."

Killed the pig !

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened. About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?", asked Bill.
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me," said the driver.
"My God, what did you tell them?", asks Clinton.
The driver replies, "I`m Bill Clinton`s driver, and I just killed the pig."

Bill Clinton died?

When he reached the pearly gates and knocked, St. Peter asked "Who is it?"
Clinton said, "It`s me, Bill Clinton."
Peter asked, "Have you done anything wrong that I should know about?"
Clinton said, "I smoked pot once, but you can`t hold it against me because I did not inhale. I was unfaithful to my wife, but you cannot hold it against me because I didn`t have sex. I lied, but you can`t hold it against me because I didn`t commit perjury."

Peter said "Well we are going to send you to a place, but we`re not going to call it Hell. You are going to stay there for a while, but we are not going to call it eternity."

Super Computer

The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

"This", he said, "is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer's microphone.

"Where is my father?" he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.

On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.

Clever Guest laughed.

"Actually", he said, "My father is dead"!

It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband?"

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa."

 

[n2casey]

Re: Jokes

What's happening there? Many members are below 18 yrs even some r student of class 9-10. If members want to talk on adult contents/jokes then it shud b stopped/locked by modes, otherwise there shud b jokes without adult talks. It seems that modes r sleeping. It's very painful that I have joined the forum where rules can b broken easily.

 

[max_demon]

Re: Jokes

Some jokes:

What do constipated mathematicians do? Work it out with a pencil.
What do really constipated mathematicians do? Work it out with logs.

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel,
 driving a German car with a Dutch engine, 
driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) 
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, 
on Japanese motorcycles; 
treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. 
This is sent to you by an Indian, using Bill Gates's technology, 
and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, 
and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant.
That, my friends, is Globalization!!

Itemized billing!
 
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is!".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly, again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. 
The engineer responded briefly: 
One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999. 
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

_____________________________
Some tech jokes:

Computer lingo meaning for a farmer!
 
LOG ON: Making the wood stove hotter
LOG OFF: Don`t add wood
MONITOR : Keep an eye on the wood stove
MEGAHERTZ: When a big log drops on your barefoot in the morning
FLOPPY DISK : What you get from piling too much wood
RAM: The hydraulic thing that makes the woodsplitter work
DRIVE: Getting home during most of the winter
PROMPT: What you wish the mail was during the snow season
ENTER: Come on in
WINDOWS: What you shut when it gets 10 below normal
SCREEN: What is a must during black fly season
CHIP: What you munch during Vikings games
MICROCHIP: What`s left in the bag when the chips are gone
MODEM: What you did to the hay fields last July
DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix`s wife
LAPTOP: Where the grandkids sit
KEYBOARD: Where you suppose to put the keys so that Misses can find them
SOFTWARE: The plastic picnic utensils, ya?
MOUSE: What leaves them little turds in the cupboard
MAINFRAME: The part of the sauna that holds up the roof
PORT: Where do commericial fishing boats dock
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When you can`t remember how much you spent on the new deer rifle when the wife asks about it.

Laloo Prasad & Bill Gates
 
The following is the conversation between Lallo Prasad Yadav and Bill Gates.
Gates : Hi! you must have heard of Windows.
Lallo : Oh yes! In most govt. offices we have the single window clearance concept.
Gates : At home have u installed Windows?
Lallo : I have removed all windows due to increased burglaries in our house.
Gates (Confused): Then what is the system you operate on?
Lallo : OPERATION ? Yes I had a Hernia operation last month.
Gates (Sweating) : Hope the internet is being used a lot in India. 
Lallo : Oh Yes! Due to increased mosquito problems many people are sleeping under the net.
Gates : By the year 2000 India should export computer chips.
Lallo : We are already exporting Uncle Chips.
Gates (Feeling very Uneasy): do you regularly use LapTops?
Lallo : My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.
Gates (Heavily Sweating): The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM and ROM.
Lallo : RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available in A.P..
Gates(Feeling Dizzy): I would like to take your leave before my system crashes. 
Lallo : I have exhuasted all my leave.
Gates : I have no energy left let us go out and have a bite.
Lallo : BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.
Gates : (System Crashes and Found Missing). "Windows is restarting.Please wait............."

Tech Support!!
 
Why we should feel sorry for tech support people: 
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." 
The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine." 
 
 
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let`s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter `P` to bring up the Program Manager." 
Customer: "I don`t have a `P`."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." 
Customer: "What do you mean?" 
Tech Support: "`P` on your keyboard, Bob." 
Customer: "I`m not going to do that!"
 
 
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?" 
 
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this: 
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?" 
 
Customer: "So that`ll get me connected to the Internet, right?" 
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that`s the latest version of the Internet, right?" 
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

_____________________________________________
And some Pj's from my mail

Pilot`s eyesight!
 
An airline pilot with poor eyesight managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand.
One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that he`d been suckered all these years. Then the doctor could not contain his curiosity. "How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example do you taxi the plane out to the runway?"
 
"Well," said the pilot, "it`s really not very hard. All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years."
"I can understand that," replied the doctor. "But what about the take- off?"
"Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!"
"But once you`re aloft?"
"Oh, everything`s fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our destination, and all I have to do is hit the auto-pilot and the plane pretty much flies itself."
"But I still don`t see how you land!"
"Oh, that`s the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airport`s radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell, `AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!`, then I will pull the nose up, and the plane lands just fine!"

Club donation!

The president of the service club asked his new member, "Would you like to donate something to the home for the aged?"
The new member replied, "Yes, my mother-in-law."

Smart Chauffeur
 
A successful scientist was on his way to a seminar where he was supposed to give a lecture on his new breakthrough in research. His chauffeur saw his tired look and felt sorry for him.
 
"Sir, why don't you take the day off today", he said, "I've heard your lecture so many times by now I know it by heart. I can give the lecture and you can just sit back and relax."
 
The scientist thought this was a great idea, since he was sick and tired of giving the exact same lecture over and over again.
 
When they arrived at the seminar the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and seated himself in the back of the lecture hall. His trusted chauffeur walked to the podium and gave an excellent lecture showing at least as much confidence as the scientist would.
 
At the end of the lecture the chauffeur asked, just as his master always does, "Are there any questions?"
 
One of the professors in the hall stood up and asked a long question about a very complicated and highly theoretical matter. The chauffeur was panicking silently but finally managed to pull himself together.
 
"That, professor, is a very simple question," he answered, "in fact, it is so simple even my chauffeur can answer it."

A Letter to God
 
The post office received a letter addressed "To God." Not knowing where to deliver it, they forwarded it to one of the nearby churches.
 
The pastor read it at the next charity committee meeting:
 
Dear God,
 
I hate to bother you, but my family is having it tough right now. The rent is two month's due, my wife is expecting, and my car is broke down. Plus I just lost my job as a night watchman due to sleeping on the job. Please send us 1,000 bucks and I won't bother you again.
 
The pastor read the name and one of the members recognized it. "He lives right down the street from the church," she said. "This might be a good way to witness to him and show him we care."
 
The others agreed but the church fund was only to help members. Finally, after much discussion, they decided to pool their resources and give from their own pockets. They came up with 500 bucks, then wrote out a check from the church and sent it to him.
 
Months passed with no word of thanks or even acknowledgment. Some time later they received another letter forwarded to them addressed to God. It was from the same fellow.
 
Dear God,
 
I hate to bother you again, but I lost my new job at the shoe store, my car was wrecked, and my wife is in the hospital again. Please send me 1,000 bucks to get these creditors off our backs.
Thanks again.
 
P.S. Please send it to me directly this time. Last time you sent it through the church next door and those dirty crooks kept half of it.

Conveyance in heaven
 
Three guys die and go to heaven.
The first guy goes up to St. Peter, who says, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"
The guy thinks a moment then says, "No. No. I was always faithful to her through 55 years of marriage."
St. Peter scratches something down in a big book, then he says to the guy, "OK, mister, you can have that Rolls Royce over there to drive around here."
Now second guy goes up to St. Peter. He asks him, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"
This second guy takes a moment. He hems and haws a few minutes, then he says, "Well, I did flirt a little, and there was that one night with Julia. But other than that I tried to remain faithful to my wife through 40 years of marriage. I guess I just wasn`t perfect, huh?"
St. Peter scratches something in his book and says, "Don`t worry about it. You can have that motorbike over there to get around."
Third guy too gets the same question.
The guy blushes a bit.
"C`mon," he says. "You know I wasn`t the best of husbands. I cheated on my wife three times, and then I was a terrible flirt."
"I know, I know," says St. Peter without looking up from his Big Book. He scratches something down in that book then says, "Don`t worry about it. We`ll let you have that bicycle over there."
A few weeks later, guys no. 2 and no. 3 were driving along when they see Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go inside and find guy no.1 with empty bottles all around him, his face down in his hands on the table.
Guy no. 2 asks him, "What could possibly be wrong, you got to heaven, you`re driving a Rolls Royce, and everything`s great."
"I saw my wife today", he replied.
Guy no. 3 says, "That`s great! So, what`s the problem?"
He answers, "She was on roller skates!"

Six Nights
 
A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had to appear in court, taking along her long-suffering husband for marital support.
 
The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the judge told her that, considering her record, he was forced to impose a jail term.
 
"This time you stole a can of tomatoes. There were six tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?"
 
The woman agreed.
 
"Then I sentence you to six nights in jail."
 
The husband jumped to his feet, addressing the judge, "Your honor, may I approach the bench?"
 
"Well," said his honor, "this is somewhat unusual but I will make an exception in this case. You may approach the bench."
 
The husband wasted no time getting there and, leaning forward, he said in a low voice, "She also stole a can of peas."

Perfect Woman!
 
Sunny is almost 35 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Sunny just dates and dates.
 
Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
 
"No," Sunny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
 
"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"
 
Sunny weeks go by and again Sunny and his friend get together.
 
So Sunny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?
 
Sunny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."
 
"Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
 
"I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"

Dog Bite
 
A man is out walking his dog one day when it slips the leash and runs away.
 
As the man is chasing him down the street, the dog runs into a yard and bites the lady that lives there.
 
The woman rushes into the house and sends her husband out to deal with the man and his dog.
 
The dog owner is beside himself with worry as the husband approaches, and says, "Sir, how about a settlement. Would one thousand rupees do?"
 
The husband pauses for a moment and replies, "Sure, and if you come around next week, it's worth another one thousand."

Killed the pig !
 
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened. About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?", asked Bill.
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me," said the driver.
"My God, what did you tell them?", asks Clinton.
The driver replies, "I`m Bill Clinton`s driver, and I just killed the pig."

Bill Clinton died?
 
When he reached the pearly gates and knocked, St. Peter asked "Who is it?"
Clinton said, "It`s me, Bill Clinton."
Peter asked, "Have you done anything wrong that I should know about?"
Clinton said, "I smoked pot once, but you can`t hold it against me because I did not inhale. I was unfaithful to my wife, but you cannot hold it against me because I didn`t have sex. I lied, but you can`t hold it against me because I didn`t commit perjury."
 
Peter said "Well we are going to send you to a place, but we`re not going to call it Hell. You are going to stay there for a while, but we are not going to call it eternity."

Super Computer
 
The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
 
"This", he said, "is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".
 
At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer's microphone.
 
"Where is my father?" he asked.
 
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.
 
On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.
 
Clever Guest laughed.
 
"Actually", he said, "My father is dead"!
 
It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
 
Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband?"
 
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa."

nice joke but sooooooooooooo long
__________

<Splinton> So I'm on my honeymoon with my wife right...and after we're done fuc|<ing, I get up to go to the bathroom, and without thinking I left a $50 on the bed.

<Aron> Oh sh!t..

<Splinton> Yeah...

<Aron> She'll get over it right though? She can't possibly expect you've never been with a woman up til now?

<Splinton> Yeah that's not what I'm worried about...she gave me $20 change!



*bash.org/?681428

What's happening there? Many members are below 18 yrs even some r student of class 9-10. If members want to talk on adult contents/jokes then it shud b stopped/locked by modes, otherwise there shud b jokes without adult talks. It seems that modes r sleeping. It's very painful that I have joined the forum where rules can b broken easily.

But If Mods are only ......
then what we can except about the other members

and afterall this thread was created by a 14 year student.......

 

[max_demon]

Re: Jokes

TO BE A MILLIONAIRE




A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft.
The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as
a test. "You are employed."

He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the
application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."


The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."
I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that
means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only
$10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a
10Kg tomato crate.


He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two
hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation
three times, and returned home with $60. The man realized that he can
survive by this
Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his
money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a
truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US
. He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life
insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the
conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man
replied, "I don't have an email". The broker answered curiously, "You
don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can
you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"

The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at
Microsoft!"


Moral of the story:

M1 - Internet is not the solution to your life.
M2 - If you don't have internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
M3 - If you received this message by email, you are closer to being an
office boy,
than a millionaire..........


Have a great day!!!


Pls Note: - Do not forward this email to me back, I'm closing all my
email addresses & going to sell tomatoes!!!

Smiling after reading is not mandatory!!!!

 

[go4saket]

!!! SMS Collection !!!

Hi Friends!

I am adding in some cool SMS from my collection. Hope you like the and add in from you own collection...

NAUGHTY COLLECTION...

***He came at night,explored my body,got on top of me,touched me,he bit,sucked, swalowd,when he was satisfyed,he left,i was hurt,BLOODY...MOSQUITO !!!!

***CONGRATS.Your phone has been installed with a new puzzle game. To play,throw your phone against the wall.Then assemble the pieces....

***Always start your day with a lot of... S E X S - SMILE E - ENERGY X - XCITEMENT so make S E X a daily habit, and you"ll always B SUCSEXFUL! in LIFE. "

***Come here,take off urs pants and knickers, get on top of me, enjoy until u get satisfied, loving urs.....toilet!

***Lastnite i went 2 bed without u..cold,naked,thinking of u, missing ur warmth, ur soft touch against my skin. Where were u lastnite,my lovely pyjamas...

***A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home...

***I really deeply wish tat u r here with me in my room.on my bed&lights is off & we get under the cover together.. 2 show u my watch glow in the dark.

***1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10...Very good! Intelligent Ho! Kal A-B-C-D sikhenge...

***oT TnAW T2UL I +THpinboop YA2 !..2mA3rb T33w2 ! .. niH)A2 2'rU
Confused na? Read it in a mirror..

***What is the height of Flirting? When your love letter starts with "To whomsoever it may concern..."


FUNNY COLLECTION...

***When i open my eyes every morning i pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you.... Why should only i suffer!!!

***One day Santa's Girlfriend asks him, Darling, on our Engagement will you give me a RING?Santa:Ya sure, Give me ur Telephone No.

***"When I was born Devil said...Oh ****!!! Another GOD!!!..& When u were born devil said ...Oh ****!!!!Competition...!!! ....

***Do U know the fullform of COLLEGE- C-Come,O-On,L-Lets, L-Love, E-Each,G-Girl,E-Equally......Thats why boys go to college regularly....

***Who said english is easy???Fill in the blank with YES or No... 1.-----I don"t have brain... 2.-----I dont have sence... 3.-----I am stupid....

***If ur world is spining Round & Round..& Round....Ur heart is beating fast ,do u think its LOVE? na Munna na its called high B/P...

***Birdy birdy in the sky dropped a poopy in my eye, I don't worry I don't cry, I'm just happy that cows can't fly!

***Its been a rough day.I got up this morning,put on a shirt N a button fell off.I picked up my briefcase N the handle came off.I'm afraid 2 go 2 the bathroom...

***i want u 2 know dat our friendship means alot 2 me.U cry i cry.U lauf i lauf.U jump out of da window... I look down & den... i lauf again

***God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested...

***terrorists have kidnapped our lecturers... and demanded aransom of 500000 rs or else they will burn them with kerosene... plz donate. i have donated 15 litres.

***Dear user,your wife can become mother without your struggle!Just SMS 'CHILD' or call customer care at 9890****** & be a tension-free DAD!

***A couple wanted katna(Circumcision)of their son,but they dont know proper word to print,so they printed the wording :THE CUTTING CEREMONY OF FU*KI*G INSTRUMENTS...

***Why do couples hold hands during their wedding day?.?.?.?.... It is just a formality, like two boxers shaking hands b4 the fight begins !

***Husband asks, Do you know the meaning of WIFE.It means...Without Information Fighting Everytime! WIFE satys No, it means - With Idiot for Ever.

***MAMU :Chand toh raat ko nikalta hai, aaj din mein kaise nikal aya?
GIRL :Ullu to raat ko bolta hai, aaj din mein kaise bol pada?

***Marriage:It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master.

***Love affairs:Something like cricket,where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.

***Pappu, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write for mother tongue.? Santa: Very long!

Chao...