Share All Your Jokes Here ! [warning: some jokes may not be family friendly]

P

paranj

Guest
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No,I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ __________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am ! I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Is this a trick question?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh..... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.!
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you mini coopertin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you
like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________

-- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITN! ESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law


LOLLING hard :D dumb ppl.
 

shift

Seed is the Life!!
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

sorry if repost ::


A man is getting into the shower as his wife is getting out when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. She opens
the door to find their next door neighbor, Bob. Before she can say a
word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking
for a moment, she drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. Wrapping herself in
the towel, as she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was
that?"

"It was Bob," she replied.

"Great!" her husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owed me?"
 

RCuber

The Mighty Unkel!!!
Staff member
monkeys on top

Sorry if Re-Post
An organisation is like a tree full of monkeys - All on different levels, some climbing up, some hanging from the bottom branches.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a$$holes.
Source: All over internet
 

casanova

The Frozen Nova
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

In a village, the folks are sitting and narrating some tales. One old man starts flaunting. "Once my grand-father went for fishing. He caught such a big prawn that our whole village ate that prawn for fifteen days.

A boy gets up and says, this is nothing. "Once my grandfather went for fishing. He threw the net in and the fish that got stuck was so big that it pulled the net. My grandfather jumped into water and started searching for the net. When he was not able to find it even after searching for two days long, he removed a candle and lit it and started searching again...."

The old man objects saying "How can someone lite a candle in water."

The boy replies "You reduce the size of your prawn and I would lit off the candle"
 

praka123

left this forum longback
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^ good one :D


Sardarji’s Chinese kid

Sardarji got the fourth child.
He fills data in the birth certificate.

“Mother: Sikh.
Father: Sikh.
Kid: Chinese.”

chinese-b0y.jpg

“How come you write “Chinese” when both parents are Sikh?”

” Aah, read a newspaper, it says that every 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese.”

*www.jokesduniya.com/2206/sardarjis-chinese-kid/
 

nileshgr

Wise Old Owl
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^ good one :D


Sardarji’s Chinese kid

Sardarji got the fourth child.
He fills data in the birth certificate.

“Mother: Sikh.
Father: Sikh.
Kid: Chinese.”

chinese-b0y.jpg

“How come you write “Chinese” when both parents are Sikh?”

” Aah, read a newspaper, it says that every 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese.”

*www.jokesduniya.com/2206/sardarjis-chinese-kid/
:lol:

nice one
 

koolbluez

Šupər♂ - 超人
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and enjoy life!

2. Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian. Think about it.

3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside.
So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!

4. Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules the world!
That's called Attitude! Keep on rocking!

5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!

6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair. When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
They said, he who never lived, cannot die!

7. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!

8. So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow - but sure!

9. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!

10. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!

11. Laziness is our biggest enemy - Jawaharlal Nehru
We should learn to love our enemies - Mahatma Gandhi
I LOVE MY BIGGEST ENEMY :D

12. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving, which makes it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!




Newton's laws of s/w engg.

First Law:
Every Software Engineer continues his state of chatting or forwarding mails untill and unless he is assigned work by manager.

Second Law:
The rate of change in the software quality is directly proportional to the payment received from client and the deadline time, and it takes place at the quick rate as and when deadline force is applied.

Third Law:
Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in the software always remains constant.
 
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jal_desai

In the zone
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

In a far away jungle, there is a pond. Just above the pond a fly is murmuring about.

A FISH is swimming in the pond. She thinks-- if the fly just come down 2 centimeters, i can jump and eat it.

A BEAR is hiding near the pond. He thinks-- if the fly just come down 2 centimeters, the fish will jump above water, and i can grab the fish and eat it.

A HUNTER is also hiding behind a tree. He thinks-- if the fly just come down 2 centimeters, the fish will jump above water, the bear will jump and i can kill it with my gun.

A MOUSE is just hiding in a burrow of the tree where the hunter was standing. He thinks-- if the fly just come down 2 centimeters, the fish will jump above water, the bear will jump too, the hunter will fire his gun and due to the thrust the cheese in his pocket will fall and i will run and eat the cheese.

A CAT is also hiding somewhere nearby. She thinks-- if the fly just come down 2 centimeters, the fish will jump above water, the bear will jump too, the hunter will fire his gun and due to the thrust the cheese in his pocket will fall and the moment the rat comes out of the burrow to eat it, i will grab it and relish it.


After some seconds....

The fly comes down 2 centimeters, the fish jumps and eventually the bear jumps too, the hunter fires and due to the thrust the cheese falls from his pocket, the mouse runs and so does the cat....... But there something goes out of plan for the Cat... The cat slips and falls in to the pond and gets wet.


Moral of the story: It takes a long time to get a pussy wet. :D
 

casanova

The Frozen Nova
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A friend of mine received this message

Aankhen do aur do chaar hoti hai to dil milne ke baad ek kaise ho sakte hain. Reply fast

And this is what I asked my friend to reply and he did

Coz eyes believe in mathematical addition and hearts believe in logical addition

We replied once more

Coz eyes believe in addition and hearts believe in multiplication

And then once again

Coz eyes and hearts are multiplicative in nature. 2*2=4 and 1*1 =1

Long live logicians :D

Edit: I am getting crazy these days, I just found out one more reply

They are exponential. 2^2=4 and 1^1 =1
 
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

I R Horse

I eat loads of food and if you don't give me enough I will screw you
I am very obese
I don't let you ride me if you use imitation saddles on me
I need immunisation regularly since I am very sick and allergic to viruses, ring worms, etc
I want a good security guard to watch me all the time else I am doomed
I hate old eXPeriences

Guess who I am


PS: no prizes for guessing the right answer....
 
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

^still ,the answer is M$haft Vi$ta :)) .
Congratulations, you won a trip to a remote village in transylvania for which you need to report in at 8:30AM sharp on September 31st at MS HQ in Namibia. If you come earlier or later or on a different date you will miss the trip. :p
 

koolbluez

Šupər♂ - 超人
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Saw recently in RD..

On a dark, stormy night, a driver stops his empty bus to pick up an ashen-faced woman. She grunts what sounds like thank you and makes her way to the back of the vehicle. Unsettled by his odd, raven-haired passenger, the driver glances back at her in his mirror several times as he winds his way down a country road. Suddenly, there is a flash of lighting and when the driver looks in the mirror, the woman is gone.
Shocked, he slams hard on the brake. He looks again. The woman has reappeared, but blood is trickling down her face. The terrified driver puts his foot down. Flash. More lightning and the woman disappears once more. The driver slams even harder on his brakes, stopping the bus with a jolt. He glances in the mirror. The woman is back in the seat. This time her face is covered in blood and she lets out a piercing scream. “Could you stop braking the bus?” she wails. “I’m trying to tie my shoelace!”



Bernie was invited to his friend Morris’s home for dinner. The host preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, like Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
“That is really nice,” said Bernie. “After all these years of marriage, you keep calling your wife those pet names.”
Morris whispers back, “To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago.”
 
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Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

32 replies when you propose a girl!!

1) Nahi.................???

2) Chiiiii.....Kitne gande vichar hain tumhare.......

3) Maine tumhe sirf ek acche dost ki nazar se dekha hai .... eek.

4) Mera pehle se ek boyfrnd hai....

5 ) Main in baton pe vishwas nahi karti, apne padhai pe dhyaan lagao...

6) tum abhi tak mujhe jaante kahan ho ?Yeh shayad infatuation hai....

7) Tumhara bank balance kitna hai??

8)Magar last year to maine tumhe raakhi baandhi thi ..hai naa..bhaiyya..??

9) Mein abhi is relation ke liye mentally prepared nahi hoo....

10) Mein apne dady se pooch ke tumhe kaal answer karu??

11) Itni si baat kehne ke liye itni der lagaa di??

12) Ye dohno ke dil me hai na, to phir kya kehna!!

13) Sorry

14) "Apna chehra kabhi aayine me dekha hai .....blah...blah...."

15) "Main toh tumhe apna Bhai maanti hu"

16) "Yes .. I too like you (but hope you don't cheat on me )- velly
bad

17) Pehele kyon nahi bataya ab tum late ho gaye ..

18) Tum agar pehle mile hote to sochti.

19) Tumhari himmat kaise hui mere baare mein aisa sochne ki (probably followed by a slap)

20) Girl: mujhe sochna ka wakt do
Guy: kitna wakt???(with hope)
Girl: saat janam. sick.


21) Mai ek shaadi shuda ladki hu

22) Mein tumhare chotte bhai se pyaar karti hoon

23) Now that's a real tragedy.
Girl: Hee hee hee hee hee..hee...heehee
Hee hee hee hee heeheeheehee(is she mad)

24) Boy: I love U!
Gal: I don't think abt all this before marriage.

25) Keep loving I don't care.

26) Tum mere liye kya kar sakte ho

27) Kaun sa number hai mera tumhare proposals ki history mein. Ha ha ha ha.

28) tumhe is nazar se kabhi dekha nahi

29) tumhare barre mein kabhi aisa socha nahi

30) mummy se pooch kar bataungi

31) mere bhaiyya se baat kar lo , who hi tumhe samajhayenge

32) Kyu, Tina ne "No" bola?

32 replies when you propose a girl!!

1) Nahi.................???

2) Chiiiii.....Kitne gande vichar hain tumhare.......

3) Maine tumhe sirf ek acche dost ki nazar se dekha hai .... eek.

4) Mera pehle se ek boyfrnd hai....

5 ) Main in baton pe vishwas nahi karti, apne padhai pe dhyaan lagao...

6) tum abhi tak mujhe jaante kahan ho ?Yeh shayad infatuation hai....

7) Tumhara bank balance kitna hai??

8)Magar last year to maine tumhe raakhi baandhi thi ..hai naa..bhaiyya..??

9) Mein abhi is relation ke liye mentally prepared nahi hoo....

10) Mein apne dady se pooch ke tumhe kaal answer karu??

11) Itni si baat kehne ke liye itni der lagaa di??

12) Ye dohno ke dil me hai na, to phir kya kehna!!

13) Sorry

14) "Apna chehra kabhi aayine me dekha hai .....blah...blah...."

15) "Main toh tumhe apna Bhai maanti hu"

16) "Yes .. I too like you (but hope you don't cheat on me )- velly
bad

17) Pehele kyon nahi bataya ab tum late ho gaye ..

18) Tum agar pehle mile hote to sochti.

19) Tumhari himmat kaise hui mere baare mein aisa sochne ki (probably followed by a slap)

20) Girl: mujhe sochna ka wakt do
Guy: kitna wakt???(with hope)
Girl: saat janam. sick.


21) Mai ek shaadi shuda ladki hu

22) Mein tumhare chotte bhai se pyaar karti hoon

23) Now that's a real tragedy.
Girl: Hee hee hee hee hee..hee...heehee
Hee hee hee hee heeheeheehee(is she mad)

24) Boy: I love U!
Gal: I don't think abt all this before marriage.

25) Keep loving I don't care.

26) Tum mere liye kya kar sakte ho

27) Kaun sa number hai mera tumhare proposals ki history mein. Ha ha ha ha.

28) tumhe is nazar se kabhi dekha nahi

29) tumhare barre mein kabhi aisa socha nahi

30) mummy se pooch kar bataungi

31) mere bhaiyya se baat kar lo , who hi tumhe samajhayenge

32) Kyu, Tina ne "No" bola?


Replies When A Girl Proposes a Boy :

1) Yes .

2) Yes .

3) Yes .

4) Yes .

5) Yes .

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

32) Yes.

:D:D:D
 
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Psychosocial

Violent serenity.
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

32 replies when you propose a girl!!

1) Nahi.................???

2) Chiiiii.....Kitne gande vichar hain tumhare.......

3) Maine tumhe sirf ek acche dost ki nazar se dekha hai .... eek.

4) Mera pehle se ek boyfrnd hai....

5 ) Main in baton pe vishwas nahi karti, apne padhai pe dhyaan lagao...

6) tum abhi tak mujhe jaante kahan ho ?Yeh shayad infatuation hai....

7) Tumhara bank balance kitna hai??

8)Magar last year to maine tumhe raakhi baandhi thi ..hai naa..bhaiyya..??

9) Mein abhi is relation ke liye mentally prepared nahi hoo....

10) Mein apne dady se pooch ke tumhe kaal answer karu??

11) Itni si baat kehne ke liye itni der lagaa di??

12) Ye dohno ke dil me hai na, to phir kya kehna!!

13) Sorry

14) "Apna chehra kabhi aayine me dekha hai .....blah...blah...."

15) "Main toh tumhe apna Bhai maanti hu"

16) "Yes .. I too like you (but hope you don't cheat on me )- velly
bad

17) Pehele kyon nahi bataya ab tum late ho gaye ..

18) Tum agar pehle mile hote to sochti.

19) Tumhari himmat kaise hui mere baare mein aisa sochne ki (probably followed by a slap)

20) Girl: mujhe sochna ka wakt do
Guy: kitna wakt???(with hope)
Girl: saat janam. sick.


21) Mai ek shaadi shuda ladki hu

22) Mein tumhare chotte bhai se pyaar karti hoon

23) Now that's a real tragedy.
Girl: Hee hee hee hee hee..hee...heehee
Hee hee hee hee heeheeheehee(is she mad)

24) Boy: I love U!
Gal: I don't think abt all this before marriage.

25) Keep loving I don't care.

26) Tum mere liye kya kar sakte ho

27) Kaun sa number hai mera tumhare proposals ki history mein. Ha ha ha ha.

28) tumhe is nazar se kabhi dekha nahi

29) tumhare barre mein kabhi aisa socha nahi

30) mummy se pooch kar bataungi

31) mere bhaiyya se baat kar lo , who hi tumhe samajhayenge

32) Kyu, Tina ne "No" bola?

32 replies when you propose a girl!!

1) Nahi.................???

2) Chiiiii.....Kitne gande vichar hain tumhare.......

3) Maine tumhe sirf ek acche dost ki nazar se dekha hai .... eek.

4) Mera pehle se ek boyfrnd hai....

5 ) Main in baton pe vishwas nahi karti, apne padhai pe dhyaan lagao...

6) tum abhi tak mujhe jaante kahan ho ?Yeh shayad infatuation hai....

7) Tumhara bank balance kitna hai??

8)Magar last year to maine tumhe raakhi baandhi thi ..hai naa..bhaiyya..??

9) Mein abhi is relation ke liye mentally prepared nahi hoo....

10) Mein apne dady se pooch ke tumhe kaal answer karu??

11) Itni si baat kehne ke liye itni der lagaa di??

12) Ye dohno ke dil me hai na, to phir kya kehna!!

13) Sorry

14) "Apna chehra kabhi aayine me dekha hai .....blah...blah...."

15) "Main toh tumhe apna Bhai maanti hu"

16) "Yes .. I too like you (but hope you don't cheat on me )- velly
bad

17) Pehele kyon nahi bataya ab tum late ho gaye ..

18) Tum agar pehle mile hote to sochti.

19) Tumhari himmat kaise hui mere baare mein aisa sochne ki (probably followed by a slap)

20) Girl: mujhe sochna ka wakt do
Guy: kitna wakt???(with hope)
Girl: saat janam. sick.


21) Mai ek shaadi shuda ladki hu

22) Mein tumhare chotte bhai se pyaar karti hoon

23) Now that's a real tragedy.
Girl: Hee hee hee hee hee..hee...heehee
Hee hee hee hee heeheeheehee(is she mad)

24) Boy: I love U!
Gal: I don't think abt all this before marriage.

25) Keep loving I don't care.

26) Tum mere liye kya kar sakte ho

27) Kaun sa number hai mera tumhare proposals ki history mein. Ha ha ha ha.

28) tumhe is nazar se kabhi dekha nahi

29) tumhare barre mein kabhi aisa socha nahi

30) mummy se pooch kar bataungi

31) mere bhaiyya se baat kar lo , who hi tumhe samajhayenge

32) Kyu, Tina ne "No" bola?


Replies When A Girl Proposes a Boy :

1) Yes .

2) Yes .

3) Yes .

4) Yes .

5) Yes .

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

32) Yes.

:D:D:D

sad but True :D:D

well my pesky little self-made joke-

"ek baar ek sardar ek antique chizo ke showroom mein jha kar bola 'kuch nayi chiz dikhao' "

^^:D
 
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Why married men love linux:

Man: Honey, make me a sandwitch.
Wife: Make one yourself. :p

Man: sudo make me a sandwitch.
Wife: Here it is dear. :)
 

shift

Seed is the Life!!
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

CNENNAI : A man in Kallikudi village in Madurai district lost a Boeing 747. Unbelievable! But the Tamil Nadu police did believe him and registered an FIR saying that the aircraft had disappeared. They put the value of the lost object at Rs 1,600.

FIRs such as these are straight from the report of Comptroller and Auditor General of India for 2005-06 which came up with gems such as these after scrutinising 67,672 crime records of Tamil Nadu.

There was also one about a missing bicycle that an FIR put as worth Rs 91,000 and one about a moped that apparently had a price tag of Rs 90 lakh and a motorcycle of Rs 11.10 lakh.

Then, there was a poor cowherd who filed a complaint (and the cops faithfully recorded an FIR) saying he had lost 15,000 buffaloes in one go.

When the CAG pulled up the Tamil Nadu police department, pointing to the fantastic crime recording, the department in its reply blamed the sorry state of affairs to the huge volume of work and cumbersome processes involved. "We've taken necessary steps to make corrections," it assured the CAG.

HEHEH -- > hehehe
 
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