Share All Your Jokes Here ! [warning: some jokes may not be family friendly]

RaghuKL

Swalpa Adjust Maadi
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Did You Ever Wonder.....
*If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

*Is it ok to use the AM radio after noon?

*What do you call a male lady bug?

*When a dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it.

*Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

*Why you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

*Why there are floatation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

*Have you ever imagined the world without hypothectical situations?
 

RaghuKL

Swalpa Adjust Maadi
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”

“Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”
 

Mr.Digital

Broken In
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !


:lol:
Patel is a Gujju-bhai.
Patel was bragging to his boss one day,' You know, I know
everyone there is to know... Just name someone, anyone, and I know
them.'
Tired of his
boasting, his boss called his bluff, 'OK, Patel how about
Tom Cruise?' 'Sure, yes, Tom and I
are old friends, and I can prove it.' So Patel and his boss
fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom
Cruise
shouts, 'Patel! Great to see
you!'

You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!' Although
impressed, Patel's boss is
still skeptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Patel that he
thinks Patel's knowing Cruise was just lucky. 'No, no, just name
anyone else, Patel says.

'President Clinton,' his boss quickly retorts.

'Yes,' Patel says,
'I know him, let's fly out to Washington.' And off they go. At
the White House, Clinton spots Patel on the tour and motions
him and his boss over, saying, 'Patel , what a surprise, I was just on my
way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in
and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.'

Well, the boss is much shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House
grounds, he expresses his doubts to Patel who again implores him to name
anyone else..

'The Pope,' his boss replies.
'Sure!' says Patel.
'My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time.'

So off they fly to Rome... Patel and his boss are assembled with the
masses in Vatican
Square when Patel says,'This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's
eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards
so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the
Pope.' And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later
Patel emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Patel returns, he
finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by
paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Patel asks him, 'What
happened?'

His boss looks up and says, 'I was doing fine
until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me
said,
who's that on the balcony with Patel ?_,_._,___ :lol:
 

iamnoob

Broken In
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”

“Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”

:lol:
 
Scientists and criminologists around the world assemble together at the United Nations to create a machine which can catch thieves faster than any human. After 10 years of hard work, the machine is born.

Its taken for demonstration around every country to show off the greatness of modern science.

IN USA: It catches 20 thieves in an hour.

IN AUSTRALIA: It catches 30 thieves in an hour.

IN CHINA: It catches 40 thieves in an hour.

IN INDIA: 50 thieves manage to break in and steal it in an hour

:lol:
 

vamsi_krishna

Human Spambot
This is not a joke but a funny incident happened in my house because of my 6year old cousin.

Few days ago my cousin came lolling....

I asked him, what's the matter,

He said, i have a question for you..

I asked, what is that...

My parents were a few feet away from me. They started to listen very carefully, as he was a brilliant child..

He asked, "What is the thing that will be front for a women and back for a cow"..

I got the answer as my friend asked me this question one day. But my parents....., as they know the secondary meaning lurking inside it. They started to stare at the kid. After a while, my father said "We don't know. what is it?"

he replied "W" and started to pwn us..

I took him to my room and asked-"Who told you this joke"

He replied-"My teacher"

I wondered, does the teacher really knew the depth of this joke..! god knows!
 

chard116

Right off the assembly line
A beautiful woman sits down at a bar and she asks the tender to see the manager, (impossible) says the bartender. She says (please, it's really important), (no again says the bartender, the manager is far too busy). well then the woman starts getting real flirty with the bartender, she starts to pet him (pretty please) she says, she even started putting her fingers on his lips and in his mouth and petted more on his face. Still the bartender wouldn't get the manager, but he said to the woman, (tell me what you want and I'll go tell the manager. So she says OK, ( I just wanted to tell him I was in the restroom and he's totally out of toilet paper, no hand soap and no paper towels.
 

confused

Evolving Rapidly...
Scientists and criminologists around the world assemble together at the United Nations to create a machine which can catch thieves faster than any human. After 10 years of hard work, the machine is born.

Its taken for demonstration around every country to show off the greatness of modern science.

IN USA: It catches 20 thieves in an hour.

IN AUSTRALIA: It catches 30 thieves in an hour.

IN CHINA: It catches 40 thieves in an hour.

IN INDIA: 50 thieves manage to break in and steal it in an hour

:lol:
IN PAKISTAN:
60 thieves(terrorists) break in and release all other captured thieves(terrorists)...:lol:
 

nileshgr

Wise Old Owl
Scientists and criminologists around the world assemble together at the United Nations to create a machine which can catch thieves faster than any human. After 10 years of hard work, the machine is born.

Its taken for demonstration around every country to show off the greatness of modern science.

IN USA: It catches 20 thieves in an hour.

IN AUSTRALIA: It catches 30 thieves in an hour.

IN CHINA: It catches 40 thieves in an hour.

IN INDIA: 50 thieves manage to break in and steal it in an hour

:lol:

Old one. I think i had posted this somewhere in this forum.
 

RaghuKL

Swalpa Adjust Maadi
An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"

He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in? "Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the cafeteria..."
 

confused

Evolving Rapidly...
Speech? at the deaf society
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English ******* and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland *******s and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying - Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure...."
 

montsa007

~Bulletproof Monk~
A girl is standing in a crowded bus when someone touches her backside with the stick. She turns around to find an old man and asks "babaji you gave a missed call?" to which he says "don't accuse me of that i'm out of balance"
 

Mr.Digital

Broken In
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died.. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
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"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"
 

Liverpool_fan

Sami Hyypiä, LFC legend
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!” he whined.
“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”
“Oh my god”, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex!”
 

Mr.Digital

Broken In
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!” he whined.
“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”
“Oh my god”, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex!”

This JOKE was already posted.
Why to re post it????????????
 

RaghuKL

Swalpa Adjust Maadi
Old Clinton Joke:

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.
"What is it?" yells the President.
"It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks.
"Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.
 

RaghuKL

Swalpa Adjust Maadi
What is the difference between Satisfaction and Frustration is only one article.
What "a" f@#$k and What "the" F#%$#k!
 
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