Share All Your Jokes Here ! [warning: some jokes may not be family friendly]
Disc_Junkie
Call me D_J!
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !
Q. Why Santa is standing below the Tube light with an open mouth.
A: Because Doctor has advised him: "Aaj Light Khana Hai! "
Teacher: What is the largest production of India?
Student: Indians
2 fools sat in a double decker bus for the first time.
1 went to the uper deck and the other remained below.
After sometime, the above one came running down.
The below one asked, "Why"?
The other one replied, "There is no driver above";
Father: My son has swallowed a key
Doctor: When ?
Father: 3 months back
Doctor: But why didn't you come before ?
Father: Till now I had been using duplicate key
Q: Y do fools always smile during lightning storm ?
A: They think their picture is being taken!
Teacher: "Talk to me in English"
Boy: Ok mam
Teacher: What's your name?
Boy: Revolutionary Government
Teacher: Are you joking?
Boy: No, my name is Biplob Sarkar
Rahul: Dad, you will soon become a rich man.
Father: How?
Rahul: Tomorrow my teacher will teach how to convert paise into rupees.
Teacher: Hey Amit, can you give an example of expansion of heat?
Amit: Sir, in winters, we have only 15 days break while in summer, the holidays expand by 2 months.
John: I have found something which will enable people to see through the wall.
Sam: That's wonderful. What are you going to call it ?
John: Windows
Raju: Who invented the steam engine ?
Shyam: What ?
Raju: That's right!
Parent: Is my son outstanding?
Teacher: Yeah of course! He always stands out!
Once a constable came running back to his local poilice station.
Constable: Sir, I couldn't catch the criminal but I have kept his finger prints.
Inspector: Where are they?
Constable; On my cheek, sir!
Petrol ke rate badhne par Santa bola.... "Menu koi farak nahi penda....Penhle bhi 100 ka bharwata tha....ab bhi 100 ka bharwata hoon".
Natwarlal 2 his friend: Itne khiladi kyun football ko laat mar rahe hain ?
Friend: Goal karne ke liye.
Natwarlal: Ball to pehle se gol hai aur kitna gol karenge
A fool reads a board
"Liknewala Brilliant Padhnewala Idiot"
Angry fool rubs the board and writes
"Padhewala brilliant liknewala idiot"
Bhola Interview dene jata hai
Boss: Aap salary kitni chahete hai?
Bhola: 1 Lac
boss: 5 lac denge
Bhola: Kyun mazak karte hain ?
Boss: Shutuwat kisne ki ?
Q. Why Santa is standing below the Tube light with an open mouth.
A: Because Doctor has advised him: "Aaj Light Khana Hai! "
Teacher: What is the largest production of India?
Student: Indians
2 fools sat in a double decker bus for the first time.
1 went to the uper deck and the other remained below.
After sometime, the above one came running down.
The below one asked, "Why"?
The other one replied, "There is no driver above";
Father: My son has swallowed a key
Doctor: When ?
Father: 3 months back
Doctor: But why didn't you come before ?
Father: Till now I had been using duplicate key
Q: Y do fools always smile during lightning storm ?
A: They think their picture is being taken!
Teacher: "Talk to me in English"
Boy: Ok mam
Teacher: What's your name?
Boy: Revolutionary Government
Teacher: Are you joking?
Boy: No, my name is Biplob Sarkar
Rahul: Dad, you will soon become a rich man.
Father: How?
Rahul: Tomorrow my teacher will teach how to convert paise into rupees.
Teacher: Hey Amit, can you give an example of expansion of heat?
Amit: Sir, in winters, we have only 15 days break while in summer, the holidays expand by 2 months.
John: I have found something which will enable people to see through the wall.
Sam: That's wonderful. What are you going to call it ?
John: Windows
Raju: Who invented the steam engine ?
Shyam: What ?
Raju: That's right!
Parent: Is my son outstanding?
Teacher: Yeah of course! He always stands out!
Once a constable came running back to his local poilice station.
Constable: Sir, I couldn't catch the criminal but I have kept his finger prints.
Inspector: Where are they?
Constable; On my cheek, sir!
Petrol ke rate badhne par Santa bola.... "Menu koi farak nahi penda....Penhle bhi 100 ka bharwata tha....ab bhi 100 ka bharwata hoon".
Natwarlal 2 his friend: Itne khiladi kyun football ko laat mar rahe hain ?
Friend: Goal karne ke liye.
Natwarlal: Ball to pehle se gol hai aur kitna gol karenge
A fool reads a board
"Liknewala Brilliant Padhnewala Idiot"
Angry fool rubs the board and writes
"Padhewala brilliant liknewala idiot"
Bhola Interview dene jata hai
Boss: Aap salary kitni chahete hai?
Bhola: 1 Lac
boss: 5 lac denge
Bhola: Kyun mazak karte hain ?
Boss: Shutuwat kisne ki ?
Krazzy Warrior
"Aal Izz Well"
Disc_Junkie
Call me D_J!
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !
Two friends got 3 live bombs on a road... They hurried towards the police station carrying them....
Friend1: What if one of the bomb blasts on the way?
Friend2: We will tell the police that we got only two bombs!!
Two friends got 3 live bombs on a road... They hurried towards the police station carrying them....
Friend1: What if one of the bomb blasts on the way?
Friend2: We will tell the police that we got only two bombs!!
Krazzy Warrior
"Aal Izz Well"
surinder
Tech addict
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !
At COMDEX Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating :
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
--For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
--Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
--Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
--Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
--Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
--The airbag system would say "Are you sure? Y/N" before going off.
--Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turn the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
--GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
--Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as in the old car.
--You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
At COMDEX Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating :
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
--For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
--Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
--Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
--Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
--Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
--The airbag system would say "Are you sure? Y/N" before going off.
--Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turn the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
--GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
--Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as in the old car.
--You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
surinder
Tech addict
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: 'Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?'
The man below says: 'Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.'
'You must be a computer engineer says the balloonist.
'yes' replies the man. 'How did you know?'
'Well' says the balloonist, 'Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone.'
The man below says, 'You must work in management.'
'I do' replies the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'
'Well, ' says the man, 'You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help you. And now you're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault that you are lost.'
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: 'Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?'
The man below says: 'Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.'
'You must be a computer engineer says the balloonist.
'yes' replies the man. 'How did you know?'
'Well' says the balloonist, 'Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone.'
The man below says, 'You must work in management.'
'I do' replies the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'
'Well, ' says the man, 'You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help you. And now you're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault that you are lost.'
surinder
Tech addict
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !
Amazing signs :
In a maternity ward: "No children allowed."
At a US military base: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of 'You are my one and only' valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs"
In a New Delhi restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."
In the office of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
On a highway: "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impossible."
On a hotel massage board: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
Amazing signs :
In a maternity ward: "No children allowed."
At a US military base: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of 'You are my one and only' valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs"
In a New Delhi restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."
In the office of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
On a highway: "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impossible."
On a hotel massage board: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
Last edited:
surinder
Tech addict
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !
"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."
Pablo Picasso.
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Rich Cook.
"Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer."
Rita May Brown.
"All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men."
Isaac Asimov.
"To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer."
Paul Ehrlich.
"Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers."
Leonard Brandwein.
"UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity."
Dennis Ritchie.
"The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again."
Al Goodman.
"The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit."
Eric Porterfield.
"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."
Pablo Picasso.
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Rich Cook.
"Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer."
Rita May Brown.
"All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men."
Isaac Asimov.
"To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer."
Paul Ehrlich.
"Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers."
Leonard Brandwein.
"UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity."
Dennis Ritchie.
"The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again."
Al Goodman.
"The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit."
Eric Porterfield.
surinder
Tech addict
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !
Sardar ji jokes :
A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help.
He goes into the temple and begins to pray. "Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. The Sardarji goes back to the synagogue. "Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!! Back to the temple... "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarhi is confronted by the voice of the God: "SARDARJI, GIVE ME A BREAK, BUY A DAMN LOTTERY TICKET".
A Punjabi Sardar and a Bengali Babu were talking about their State's patriotic history during the freedom struggle. The debate heated up and both ended up claiming that their state had the maximum number of freedom fighters. They finally agreed on a method to find which of the states had more freedom fighters. Each person would say the name of a freedom fighter from his state and pull one hair out of his opponents head.
Both of them began earnestly. "Bhagat Singh" said the Sardar and pulled one hair from the Bengali. "Netaji" said the Bengali and did the same.
They continued like this for some time, but sardarji soon exhausted all known freedom fighters. The Bengali, however, was very clever. He used Sardar's ignorance and reeled off a lot of imaginary names. The Punjabi was stuck. He did not know any more Punjabi freedom fighter's name.
He thought deeply for a moment, jumped on the Bengali's head and pulled all his hair out shouting - "Jallian Wala Bagh".
One great day in Bombay, a couple were on a honeymoon tour. They saw one sardarji in front of a hospital (Breach Candy) was trying to fill some form. So the couple enquired eagerly "What are you doing ?" Sardarji replied that I had a baby and I am filling the birth certificate form.
The couple as per schedule, took the Bombay to Delhi Flight for their next destination. On the next day, they find the same Sardarji, in front of Lal Qilla in Delhi filling the same form. So once again young couple curiously asked - "What are you doing here ?" Sardarji once again replied I had a baby and I am filling the birth certificate form. The couple said but sardarji yesterday you were in Bombay filling the same form, how come you're in Delhi?
Sardarji replied It is written here - "FILL IN CAPITALS"
Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees , the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard.
When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror.
His wife asked " What's the matter?"
Sardar ji Replied "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else"
Sardar ji jokes :
A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help.
He goes into the temple and begins to pray. "Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. The Sardarji goes back to the synagogue. "Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!! Back to the temple... "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarhi is confronted by the voice of the God: "SARDARJI, GIVE ME A BREAK, BUY A DAMN LOTTERY TICKET".
A Punjabi Sardar and a Bengali Babu were talking about their State's patriotic history during the freedom struggle. The debate heated up and both ended up claiming that their state had the maximum number of freedom fighters. They finally agreed on a method to find which of the states had more freedom fighters. Each person would say the name of a freedom fighter from his state and pull one hair out of his opponents head.
Both of them began earnestly. "Bhagat Singh" said the Sardar and pulled one hair from the Bengali. "Netaji" said the Bengali and did the same.
They continued like this for some time, but sardarji soon exhausted all known freedom fighters. The Bengali, however, was very clever. He used Sardar's ignorance and reeled off a lot of imaginary names. The Punjabi was stuck. He did not know any more Punjabi freedom fighter's name.
He thought deeply for a moment, jumped on the Bengali's head and pulled all his hair out shouting - "Jallian Wala Bagh".
One great day in Bombay, a couple were on a honeymoon tour. They saw one sardarji in front of a hospital (Breach Candy) was trying to fill some form. So the couple enquired eagerly "What are you doing ?" Sardarji replied that I had a baby and I am filling the birth certificate form.
The couple as per schedule, took the Bombay to Delhi Flight for their next destination. On the next day, they find the same Sardarji, in front of Lal Qilla in Delhi filling the same form. So once again young couple curiously asked - "What are you doing here ?" Sardarji once again replied I had a baby and I am filling the birth certificate form. The couple said but sardarji yesterday you were in Bombay filling the same form, how come you're in Delhi?
Sardarji replied It is written here - "FILL IN CAPITALS"
Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees , the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard.
When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror.
His wife asked " What's the matter?"
Sardar ji Replied "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else"
surinder
Tech addict
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !
Here are few more :
An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie detector.
The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer".
BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.
"Ok", he says, "10 bottles". And the machine is silent.
The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers".
BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.
"Allright, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent.
The Sardarji says: "I think...",
BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.
Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"Oye, I finished the exam in half an hour". "But yaar", he says, "I am rechecking my answers and am not able to tally them with what I wrote."
Santa Singh is Flying from Moscow to Delhi. To his surprise, sitting right beside him is Gary Kasporov, the world Chess Champion. Santa has always been in awe of Chess players, and immediately starts up a conversation with Gary about the Nuances of the Game etc. Gary says ... "How would You like to Play me for $ 500/ US"?
Santa: "But you're too damn good".
Gary: "I'll play left handed".
Santa cant resist the bet and accepts. Kasparov, Check Mates our Sardar in 8 Moves .......
Santa is still scratching his head, as he leaves the airplane. Upon Reaching Amritsar, Santa tells Banta about the game he had with Kasparov.
Banta: "Tu bhi pura buddhu hai Santa". (You're an absolute fool Santa)
Santa: "kyon" (why)?
Banta: "Abe bewakoof ........ Gary Kasparov Khabbu hai". (You stupid, Gary Kasparov IS a lefty, no wonder he beat you left handed)
Three convicts escaped from prison. One was a Madrasi, one a Gujarati, and one a Sardar. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.
About an hour later the Prison Warden and his assistant came into the barn. The warden told his assistant to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the warden asked him what he saw and the assistant yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."
The warden told him to find out what was in them, so the assistant kicked the first sack, which had the Madrasi in it. He went, "Bow-wow", so the assistant told the warden there was a dog in it.
Then he kicked the sack with the Gujarati in it. He went, "Meow", so the assistant told the warden there was a cat in it.
Then he kicked the one with the Sardar in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the Sardar said, "Potatoes".
Santa singh shows up at his friend Banta Singh's Place in a Brand New - Red Ferarri.
Banta: Wow Santa, What a car!Where did you get it from ?
Santa: I was walking on the highway when a beautiful lady came in this car and asked me - "want a ride Mr. Singh ?" I hopped in, and she took me to the woods. Once in woods she got outside took off clothes and said to me "Mr Singh. take anything"
Banta is quite excited and asks "What did you do Santa?"
Santa: I took the car.
Banta: good show - you wouldn't have fit into her clothes!
Here are few more :
An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie detector.
The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer".
BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.
"Ok", he says, "10 bottles". And the machine is silent.
The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers".
BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.
"Allright, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent.
The Sardarji says: "I think...",
BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.
Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"Oye, I finished the exam in half an hour". "But yaar", he says, "I am rechecking my answers and am not able to tally them with what I wrote."
Santa Singh is Flying from Moscow to Delhi. To his surprise, sitting right beside him is Gary Kasporov, the world Chess Champion. Santa has always been in awe of Chess players, and immediately starts up a conversation with Gary about the Nuances of the Game etc. Gary says ... "How would You like to Play me for $ 500/ US"?
Santa: "But you're too damn good".
Gary: "I'll play left handed".
Santa cant resist the bet and accepts. Kasparov, Check Mates our Sardar in 8 Moves .......
Santa is still scratching his head, as he leaves the airplane. Upon Reaching Amritsar, Santa tells Banta about the game he had with Kasparov.
Banta: "Tu bhi pura buddhu hai Santa". (You're an absolute fool Santa)
Santa: "kyon" (why)?
Banta: "Abe bewakoof ........ Gary Kasparov Khabbu hai". (You stupid, Gary Kasparov IS a lefty, no wonder he beat you left handed)
Three convicts escaped from prison. One was a Madrasi, one a Gujarati, and one a Sardar. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.
About an hour later the Prison Warden and his assistant came into the barn. The warden told his assistant to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the warden asked him what he saw and the assistant yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."
The warden told him to find out what was in them, so the assistant kicked the first sack, which had the Madrasi in it. He went, "Bow-wow", so the assistant told the warden there was a dog in it.
Then he kicked the sack with the Gujarati in it. He went, "Meow", so the assistant told the warden there was a cat in it.
Then he kicked the one with the Sardar in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the Sardar said, "Potatoes".
Santa singh shows up at his friend Banta Singh's Place in a Brand New - Red Ferarri.
Banta: Wow Santa, What a car!Where did you get it from ?
Santa: I was walking on the highway when a beautiful lady came in this car and asked me - "want a ride Mr. Singh ?" I hopped in, and she took me to the woods. Once in woods she got outside took off clothes and said to me "Mr Singh. take anything"
Banta is quite excited and asks "What did you do Santa?"
Santa: I took the car.
Banta: good show - you wouldn't have fit into her clothes!
Disc_Junkie
Call me D_J!
Mr.Digital
Broken In
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !
Good one…. J
~
Michael, Francis and Ubaldo are standing at the Gates of Heaven being interviewed by St. Peter.
“Ok you, Michael, how many times did you cheat on your wife??”
“Let me be honest Peter. I've been seeing at least two or three different women a year all my married life”.
“Ok, your car in heaven is that Hyundai Santro there. Goodbye.”
St. Peter turns to Francis, “How many times did you cheat on your wife??”
Francis replies, “I must admit that in fifteen years of marriage I did cheat on my wife twice.”
St. Peter says, “OK, your car in heaven is that Honda Civic. Here's the keys. Get going!”
He then looks at Ubaldo, “And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife??”
Ubaldo lifts his head high and replies, “I am proud to say that in over twenty years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife. In fact, my beloved has been dead for two years now and I remained celibate the whole time!”
St Peter replies, “Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that BMW Z4-M Roadster convertible. Goodbye!”
Michael and Francis have driven off and are in a car park nearby waiting for their friend. Ubaldo turns up in his BMW but he is crying his heart out.
Michael asks, “Arrre! What's the matter with you? We should be crying. We're stuck with these cheaper models and you got an expensive BMW!"
Between sobs Ubaldo explains, “I just saw my wife driving a Nano”
Good one…. J
~
Michael, Francis and Ubaldo are standing at the Gates of Heaven being interviewed by St. Peter.
“Ok you, Michael, how many times did you cheat on your wife??”
“Let me be honest Peter. I've been seeing at least two or three different women a year all my married life”.
“Ok, your car in heaven is that Hyundai Santro there. Goodbye.”
St. Peter turns to Francis, “How many times did you cheat on your wife??”
Francis replies, “I must admit that in fifteen years of marriage I did cheat on my wife twice.”
St. Peter says, “OK, your car in heaven is that Honda Civic. Here's the keys. Get going!”
He then looks at Ubaldo, “And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife??”
Ubaldo lifts his head high and replies, “I am proud to say that in over twenty years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife. In fact, my beloved has been dead for two years now and I remained celibate the whole time!”
St Peter replies, “Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that BMW Z4-M Roadster convertible. Goodbye!”
Michael and Francis have driven off and are in a car park nearby waiting for their friend. Ubaldo turns up in his BMW but he is crying his heart out.
Michael asks, “Arrre! What's the matter with you? We should be crying. We're stuck with these cheaper models and you got an expensive BMW!"
Between sobs Ubaldo explains, “I just saw my wife driving a Nano”
RaghuKL
Swalpa Adjust Maadi
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
This student received the only A.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
This student received the only A.
RaghuKL
Swalpa Adjust Maadi
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !
A LOGICAL SOLUTION.
Now here is a problem that finally has a formula for getting to the bottom of an age old problem.
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-*-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far a** kissing will take you.
A-*-*-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bulls**t and A** Kissing that will put you over the top.
A LOGICAL SOLUTION.
Now here is a problem that finally has a formula for getting to the bottom of an age old problem.
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-*-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far a** kissing will take you.
A-*-*-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bulls**t and A** Kissing that will put you over the top.