Share All Your Jokes Here ! [warning: some jokes may not be family friendly]

[Aspire]

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Sardarji is in a Quiz Contest

The questions are as follows:

1) How long was the 100 yr war?
A) 116
B) 99
C) 100
D) 150

Sardar says "I will skip this"


2) In which country are the Panama hats made?
A) BRASIL
B) CHILE
C) PANAMA
D) EQUADOR

Sardar asks for help from the University students


3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
A) JANUARY
B) SEPTEMBER
C) OCTOBER
D) NOVEMBER

Sardar asks for help from general public


4) Which of these was King George VI first name?
A) EDER
B) ALBERT
C) GEORGE
D) MANOEL

Sardar asks for lucky cards


5) The Canary Islands, in the Pacific Ocean, has its name based on
which animal:
A) CANARY BIRD
B) KANGAROO
C) PUPPY
D) RAT

Sardar gives up.




SCROLL DOWN.......










































If u think you are indeed clever and laughed at Sardar's replies, then
please check the answers below:

1) The 100 year war lasted 116 years from 1337-1453
2) The Panama hat is made in Equador
3) The October revolution is celebrated in November
4) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936 he changed his name.
5) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA which means islands of
the puppies.

Now tell me who's the dumb one....Think twice before you laugh at a Sardar again

On behalf of,
Manmohan Singh, PM, India.

Nice one dude.......
The sardars owe u one.

 

[Aspire]

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

God and bill gates
Sunday School
There was a girl who went to Sunday school and always fell asleep.
One day the teacher asked and pointed at the sleeping girl, Who made the world?
The boy behind her poked her with a pencil. She woke up and yelled GOD!
Thats correct!,The teacher said.

The girl fell asleep again. The teacher asked, Who died on the cross? The boy poked the girl again and she yelled JESUS!
Thats correct!! The teacher said again.

The girl fell asleep again. After a while........
The teacher asked,What did Eve say to Adam when they had their 99th child?The boy poked the girl again. The girl stood up and shouted,
IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!

Nice one

 

[Aspire]

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

An anthropologist studying cannibals goes into a
store for heart (to eat). On the shelf she sees a jar
of physicists' brains for $1, a jar of janitors' heart
for $1, a jar of musicians' heart for $1, a jar of
doctors' heart for $1 and a jar of economists' heart
for $25. She goes to the manager and asks "why are the
economists' heart so expensive?"

The reply comes, "Do you know how many economists you have to kill to get a jar of heart?"

This one is edited............
It was a Sardar whos brain cost the maximum.

NO OFFENCES MEANT!!

 

[Aspire]

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and
communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the
helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it,
circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said

"WHERE AM I?"
​

in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the
aircraft, drew a large sign,and held it in a building window. Their sign said:

"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
​

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to
steer to SEATTLE airport, and landed safely. After they were on the
ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a
technically correct but completely useless answer."

Don't people get tired of Bill gate's Jokes?

 

[Aspire]

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

"Abu Abed and "Who Wants To be The Millionaire " After a long journey abroad, Abu Abed returned home to find his wife Em Abed pregnant.
Abu Abed : Can you explain to me how you can be pregnant if I was away for a year...?
Em Abed : You want the truth, during your absence I use to watch Georges Kerdahi TV show "Who Wants To be The Millionaire " and one night I had no choice and I had to call a friend and ask for his help....
Abu Abed : You called a friend and asked him for a help... Well I am really grateful to you and must thank you... Thanks God you did not ask for the audience help....!

"Abu Abed With The President G.W.BUSH in a Helicopter" Abu Abed was once with the president on a trip in a helicopter ...
The president asked him : If I threw 10 $ what do you think it will happen ?
Abu Abed : A poor citizen will find it and he will be happy...
The president : What about if I threw 100 $ what do you think it will happen ?
Abu Abed : Few poor citizen will find it and they will be happy...
The president : What about if I threw myself what do you think it will happen ?
Abu Abed : one citizen will find you and all the citizen of the country will be happy about it...

"Abu Abed on the Wedding Night Abu Abed just got married. He spent all the wedding night kissing his bride on again.
His bride got fed up and asked him : Don't you want anything from down ?
Abu Abed : Oh yes, please ! can you get me a pack of cigarette and one can of coke from the grocery downstairs !!

"Abu Abed and Em Abed at The Cinema"
Abu Abed took his wife Em Abed to see a movie at in Cinema. Few minutes after they have switched the light off, Abu Abed asked Em Abed : Anyone behind us ?
Em Abed : No
Abu Abed : Anyone in front of us ?
Em Abed : No
Abu Abed : Anyone on our side?
Em Abed : No.. Nobody, we are alone in the cinema
Abu Abed :If this is the case, It means that it is you who farted ...!

"Abu Abed and the Short Skirt Girl" Abu Abed was sitting outside the coffee shop when a young girl wearing a short skirt passed by... Abu Abed looked at her and said : No Respect...
The girl heard him and lifted her skirt a little bit up..
Abu Abed looked at her and said : No Manners
The girl lifted her skirt all the way up.
Abu Abed looked at her and said : No Objections.. !

BTW who is Abu Abed?

 

[Aspire]

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, not matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probable damned dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey.I love you." To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

> >An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two
> >months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a
> >pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
> >Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
> >this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a
> >call.
> >Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and
> >distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani
> >suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
> >He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl
> >and tells
> >them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I
> >can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
> >charge.
> >I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
> >life.
> >Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
> >townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
> >If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
> >$4,000,000 bank account.
> >If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
> >However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
> >
> >At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand
> >firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
> >
> >
> > "You shag her again."

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love.

When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weigh to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on.

He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table.

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy." Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself,
He left his present partner high and dry and devoted his time to the sexy new chick.

She, enjoying the charade, letting him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went into the back garden and had passionate intercourse.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of
Time he had.

Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not with me."

Then she asked," Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing
Poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm and brewing outrage.

To which the husband replied,
"Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, and apparently he had the time of his life."

 

[Aspire]

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

One morning at a doctors surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him,That's how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient was looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"

 

[Aspire]

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!”
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long it’s been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much. You are like a miracle"! Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??" The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too??"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Aspire]

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A doctor gets a visit from a patient who is not able to get an erection.

Doctor: Are you married?

Patient: No.

Doctor: Do you masturbate?

Patient: No.

Doctor: Do you visit prostitutes?

Patient: No.

Doctor: Do you have girlfriends?

Patient: No.

Doctor: To phir khada karke kya calender taangega?

===============================================

 

[Aspire]

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.

She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him what he did for sex.

'What's that?' he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said 'Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree.'

'Tarzan, you have it all wrong,' she says horrified, 'but I will show you how to do it properly.'

She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.

'Here,' she said, 'You must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, 'What the hell did you do that for?'

'Just checking for bees,' said Tarzan.

 

[Aspire]

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day.

'Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?'

'I'm in love,' replied Little Johnny.

Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, 'With whom?'

'With you!' he said.

'But Little Johnny,' said the teacher gently, 'don't you see how silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child.'

'Oh, don't worry,' said Little Johnny reassuringly, 'I'll use a c0ndom!'

======================================================

After an enjoyable eighteen hole of golf, a man stopped in a bar for a beer before heading home. There he struck up a conversation with a ravishing young beauty. They had a couple of drinks, liked each other, and soon she invited him over to her apartment. For two hours they made mad, passionate love.

On the way home, the the man's conscience started bothering him something awful. He loved his wife and didn't want this unplanned indiscretion to ruin their relationship, so he decided the only thing to do was come clean.

'Honey,' he said when he got home, 'I have a confession to make. After I played golf today, I stopped by the bar for a beer, met a beautiful woman, went back to her apartment and made love to her for two hours. I'm sorry, it won't ever happen again, and I hope you'll forgive me.'

His wife scowled at him and said, 'Don't lie to me, you sorry scumbag! You played thirty-six holes, didn't you?'

 

[Krazzy Warrior]

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

LOL!

 

[Aspire]

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A woman guest approaches the bar in a small restaurant.

She calls the guy at the bar and when he is standing in front of her, she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer. Then she bends over the desk and starts to caress his beard. 'Are you the owner of this place?' she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.

'Ehhh. No. Not at all!' he replies.

'Would you please call him here?' the lady asks and gently touches his hair.

'Oh, I'm very sorry. But no. Impossible!' the man sighs.

'Would you then please do me a great favour?' the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.

'Of course. What ever you wish!' the man moans.

'I want to leave a message for the boss!' she says and let first one - then two - fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on.

'What message?' he asks with the two fingers in his mouth.

'Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel in the lady's room!'

^^
Understood it?

 

[Aspire]

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, 'You must be a dentist.'

The guy, surprised, says 'Yes....how did you figure that out?'

'Easy,' she replied, 'you keep washing your hands.'

One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, 'You must be a really good dentist.'

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, 'Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?'

'Didn't feel a thing!'

 

[Aspire]

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Santa Singh, woke up after the annual office Diwali bash party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some breakfast in front of him.

'Jaswinder' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?'

'Even worse,' she said, her voice oozing scorn. 'You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.'

'He's an *******,' Santa Singh said. 'Piss on him.'

'You did,' came the reply. 'And he fired you.'

'Well, screw him!' said Santa Singh.

'I did. You're back at work on Monday.'

--------------------------------------------------------
anta Singh is sitting on a rather empty train across from a good looking girl wearing a tight mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The girl realises he is staring and asks, 'Are you looking at my pussy?'

'Yes, I'm sorry,' says Santa and promises to avert his eyes.

'It's quite alright,' replies the woman, 'It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you.'

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Santa, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

'I can also make it wink,' says the woman. Santa stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

'Come and sit next to me,' suggests the woman, patting the seat. Santa moves over.

The woman is now visibly horny and asks Santa, 'Would you like to push a couple of your fingers in?'

Stunned, Santa replies, 'What! Can it whistle, too?'

 

[surinder]

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Priyanka chopra was going on her scooty .suddenly she stoped and start doing susu on roadside. Someone ask her the reason. She replied Why should BOYS have all the fun.

 

[Aspire]

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Priyanka chopra was going on her scooty .suddenly she stoped and start doing susu on roadside. Someone ask her the reason. She replied Why should BOYS have all the fun.

1 of your self made jokes?

Since when is doing susu on road fun?

 

[surinder]

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Bush : tujhe swimming aati hai?
Lalu : no
Bush : tere se to kutta achha hai swim to kar leta hai
Lalu : tujhe aati hai
Bush : ya
Lalu : to phir tere or kutte mein farak kya hai?

 

[surinder]

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

1 of your self made jokes?

Since when is doing susu on road fun?

Ask Prianka or may be yourself.

 

[Disc_Junkie]

Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Priyanka chopra was going on her scooty .suddenly she stoped and start doing susu on roadside. Someone ask her the reason. She replied Why should BOYS have all the fun.