Share All Your Jokes Here ! [warning: some jokes may not be family friendly]

rhitwick

rhitwick

Democracy is a myth
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

kalpik said:
When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one
to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each
outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't
feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that *****
knows I'm smarter than her.
Click to expand...
AWESOME!!!!
 
The Conqueror

The Conqueror

Elevating Humanity
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A beggar meets another beggar. A software engineer meets another software engineer.

Both of them ask the same question to each other.
What is the question ???


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"So, Which Platform are you Working on ???"
 
trigger

trigger

Journeyman
Injured Thumb :)

A man went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into it. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the fudge and this was too much for him.

'Goddammit,' said the man, 'get your damn thumb out of my food!'

'Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm.'

'Why don't you just shove it up your a$$?' the man said angrily.

'That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen.'
 
OP
MetalheadGautham

MetalheadGautham

AFK
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A crash course for pigions now selling :D

*3.bp.blogspot.com/_EAKPB1H1wB0/SYiO8cqTrsI/AAAAAAAABA4/3QrShFnFmE8/s400/PIGEON1.jpg
 
Kl@w-24

Kl@w-24

Slideshow Bob
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Dear Technical Support

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware. I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.

While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Clean house 2002. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, Launch Turbo Strop Plus and Whinge Pro. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources.

These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money files before uninstalling itself.

Is it true that my only recourse may be to re partition my hard drive with Divorce Magic Pro and Lawyer Fund Management 6.0?
Click to expand...

:lol:
 
N

nsalgaocar

Broken In
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

what is the biggest pressure ...
on a pakistan captain when their team needs only 1 run to win in 5 overs and 10 wickets in hand????
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"Ya allah!!
jeetne ke baad angrezi bolni padegi!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
:))

4 PRINCIPLES OF STUDENT LIFE

- luv your bed.. its your temple

- Relax in the day..... so that you can sleep at night

- dont do something tomorrow that you can do the day after tomorrow

- If you feel like studying ..................
........................
... sit down....... wait............
till the feelin goes away



PS: follow these principles at your own risk:))
 
Last edited:
Chandal

Chandal

Banned
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

:arrow:
Student: Will I get punishment for what I have not done.
Teacher: Of course not
Student: I have not done the homework


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:arrow:

Santa: What is meant by AUTOMATICALLY
Banta: It means AUTO - ME -TAKLI(Bald girl on an auto)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

:arrow:

Person A: What do you call a person with one hair
Person B: Iqbal

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jxcess3891

jxcess3891

Evil mind
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

2 NUNS


There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent..

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank goodness you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

I'll pray for you!

HAVE A BLESSED DAY!
 
RaghuKL

RaghuKL

Swalpa Adjust Maadi
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

New Rules for all the Exams (based On I.P.L.)

(1). Exam Time reduced to 1 hour and total marks to 50.
(2). Strategic breaks after 30 mins.:smile:
(3). Free hit option available to students where they can frame their own questions and answer them.
(4). 1st 15 minutes POWER PLAY no invigilation in the room.:razz:
(5). Un-Fair play awards are introduced..:lol:
(6). Any wrong question results in free hit. for details refer (3) above

(7). Cheer girls come in for every correct answer....;-)
 
nileshgr

nileshgr

Wise Old Owl
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

Interviewer: What brought you here ?
Applicant: The 10 o'clock train brought me here.

----

Teacher: What is your name ?
Student: mera naam sunder laal chadda hai (मेरा नाम सुंदरलाल चड्डा है)
Teacher: Answer in English
Student: My Name is Beautiful Red Underwear
 
RaghuKL

RaghuKL

Swalpa Adjust Maadi
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
 
Krazzy Warrior

Krazzy Warrior

"Aal Izz Well"
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !

RaghuKL said:
New Rules for all the Exams (based On I.P.L.)

(1). Exam Time reduced to 1 hour and total marks to 50.
(2). Strategic breaks after 30 mins.:smile:
(3). Free hit option available to students where they can frame their own questions and answer them.
(4). 1st 15 minutes POWER PLAY no invigilation in the room.:razz:
(5). Un-Fair play awards are introduced..:lol:
(6). Any wrong question results in free hit. for details refer (3) above

(7). Cheer girls come in for every correct answer....;-)
Click to expand...

LOL! :mrgreen::mrgreen:

The Unknown said:
Teacher: What is your name ?
Student: mera naam sunder laal chadda hai (मेरा नाम सुंदरलाल चड्डा है)
Teacher: Answer in English
Student: My Name is Beautiful Red Underwear
Click to expand...

:D :twisted:
 
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