Lately I've been channeling a couple of employees from Microsoft. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true, I tell you. The cool thing about it is that I now have real information as to what they are thinking inside the hallowed walls of the Redmond compound. Since I cannot reveal their actual names, I'm calling them Jack and Jake, and I intend to report their conversations whenever one channels himself through me, as happened last night.
It was a meeting of Microsoft strategists. I couldn't quite make out the identity of the other two people in the room, but I sensed the presence of Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer. I will just use "unknown voice" to tell you what they said. The conversation revealed that Microsoft actually has a policy of copying whatever it views as "the competition." Who knew? Here's the transcript as I recall it:
Jake: I have finished the report on Google.
Jack: Are they doing anything new? Anything we can copy, embrace, and extend?
Unknown Voice 1: Do we have a list of the things we've already copied? We need a checklist. I want to make sure we are not missing anything.
Jake: According to my report, we've pretty much copied everything they are doing, including using the word beta on just about everything.
Unknown Voice 1: Why are they doing that? What is the point?
Jack: Why are we doing it? It's stupid.
Jake: We're doing it because they are doing it. That's the point.
Unknown Voice 1: Exactly! Hopefully, when all is said and done, they will be merged or absorbed or go broke, and all the things we copied from them will look like our inventions. It's genius!
Jack: Ah, yes. The way people now think that Apple invented the personal computer because nobody remembers the losers who did it before them. They are all gone.
Jake: Or the way that Bill now gets credit for inventing the software business, like at the big conference. I was amused that you didn't deny it, boss.
Unknown Voice 1: You mean I didn't invent the software industry? Surely you jest.
Unknown Voice 2: Yeah. We'll crush them all. Crush them, crush them! Man, I love this company.
Unknown Voice 1: Who is doing the better job?
Jake: I don't know. We aren't allowed to look at Google.
Jack: A guy was fired from accounting for going to Google to search for something.
Unknown Voice 1: We don't need to use or look at their products. Ours will always be better. Insanely better. Hard-core!
Unknown Voice 2: I love what we do.
Jake: Well, they still have the online word processor and spreadsheet. We have not done that yet.
Jack: Or the calendar, although we have them beat in one area: We have a video search that searches the whole Net for videos.
Unknown Voice 1: We do? Since when?
Jack: I dunno, but it seems to work even though it's beta.
Unknown Voice 1: Did anyone ever think to mention this to me, or anyone else, for that matter?
Unknown Voice 2: I think it's great. There has to be a lot of money money money in it. I love it! We need to do our own video server, like YouTube.
Unknown Voice 1: I have it. Let's buy YouTube! I'm a genius!
Jake: Google already bought them.
Unknown Voice 1: Oh, no-ooooo! When? How did that happen? Never mind, just buy someone, then. How come we didn't do that immediately after Google did it? We can use it to leverage our player. We'll make it so the videos will play only on our players. What a phenomenal idea! Need I repeat myself? I'm a genius! We'll call it Microsoft Videos—Beta! Now we're getting someplace.
The foursome then joined hands and skipped in a counterclockwise circle saying, "Yay!" and "Hooray for us." It was bizarre to experience it firsthand. Apparently, someone told Jake and Jack that Google does this sort of tribal dance after every good idea.
I then woke up in a cold sweat. True story.
