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Love Failure :P

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sub1zero

Broken In
I know you might have heard many many stories of the same ilk but I really wanted to hear opinions from different kinds of people which is why I'm ranting online so here I go. And please bear with me if this ends up being too long since I'm new to the whole "opening up" thing. Especially online.

I'd been going out with this awesome girl for close to 6 months now after first meeting her 9 months back. We were at first really good friends, then we became a couple and a bit later we fell totally in love. It seems a bit too much considering the short time frame but trust me, it was love without a doubt.Things were really intimate, awesome and fun for a while. When I mean awesome, I mean AWESOME.

And then we broke up.

The FIRST breakup was a month or so later. She was having some family issues and was being very emo and *****y. I wasn't aware of this and one night when we were on the phone, she said that she'll hangup if I didn't want to talk to her. Repeatedly. I assured her that I wanted to eventhough she was being quite unbearable. But, in a moment of red I told her, "fine. hang up if you want." And she promptly did. I was obv, quite pissed at that. Didnot call her back. She kept ignoring and cold shouldering me for a few days and I had no clue as to why. I am quite insensitive so I really didn't understand why she was ignoring me when SHE was the one who'd been acting up. Then out of the blue, 2 days later she said she wanted to meet. We met up and she said that we were breaking up because I didn't help her out when she needed me the most. I told her that I wasn't aware of the situation and that I was sorry but she would have none of it. So, we broke up.
And then we got back together within the next hour after a lot of emo talk.
We lived quite happily for 3 more months.

Then, she joined work and got busy with an NGO. But, not as a proper volunteer. She'd joined only to help them out with the setting up of a fundraising concert 2 months later. This NGO is mostly filled with guys but I had no problem with that initially. She'd never been around guys of that type (smart, witty etc etc) so I was quite happy for her that she was enjoying herself in the new group.
But a bit later we started to spend less time together. Before all this, we used to meet up almost everyday and freakout.
However, with work and this new agenda we started seeing less of each other and I wasn't at all happy due to 2 reasons:
1) I felt that I was being put on the backburner because of this new hobby of hers.
2) She enjoyed the presence of these guys and was having a lot of fun while I wasn't.

As a result (with the benefit of hindsight), I ended up getting quite clingy and possessive. Lots of small niggly fights happened because of that. She volunteered to quit this thing if I wanted to. But, I told her that wouldn't be fair and that I was only getting clingy because she wasn't prioritizing me eventhough she'd initially told me that she wouldn't be too involved with this gig.
We patched up and to be fair to her, she did make an effort to hangout with me a little more often. It wasn't the same as before but I was happy that she was trying. So I felt somewhat contented knowing that things will get better once her obligation gets over.

The girl is quite a catch so it was no surprise when she told me that 2 dudes definitely had a thing for her. At first, I was amused. Then it went to the crapper.
She was helping them out with the concert,right? So she had to spend quite sometime with the group, shuttling from place to place, organizing stuff etc. I put on a facade that I'd no issues with any of that.
Then, one day, one of the dudes who had a thing for her said that he'll pick her up in order to go to someplace. She asked me whether it'd be ok if she went with him. I told her that'd be totally cool as long she didn't go with him on a bike. (NOTE: She always asked my consent in situations like this and she generally avoided going with any other guy on a bike. I really appreciated that attitude and she knew it.)
She replied saying that that dude is bringing his bike to which I told her that that'd make me really uncomfortable. This was all via text, btw. Once I'd sent that text, she didn't reply so I presumed she'd already gone. But I hoped that it wasn't on a bike.

Later, when I called her up she told me that she was with him on a bike. I got insanely mad but I didn't say anything over the phone. We met up a bit later and I blew my top. No cussing or swearing though. I told her that I was quite pissed that she decided to go ahead with the whole thing despite knowing that I won't be ok with and that I would have never done anything like that to her.
She apologised vehemently and I cooled down a bit. But, I was still being a pain and she lost her cool and went off home.
Another fight and again a day or later she told me that she needed a break as we were having too many fights. I should have been ok with it but I was really into this girl despite everything. So I told her that I won't be cool with it and that if she wanted a break so badly then she should breakup with me.
Which is what she did citing that she can't go out with someone who didn't care about her at all.
SECOND BREAKUP.

I was quite mind****ed and hurt over this and the following night I called her up and did the needy, beggar boy act. But, I could sense that she was a bit spaced out.
We were on talking terms and the next day we met up and decided to hang out as buddies. We went out for lunch and on the way home she falls asleep in my car. So I park the car and wait till she wakes up. And then I commit a sin of epic proportions which would come to bite me back HARD a bit later.

I GO THROUGH HER PHONE! We usually go through each other's phone but this time I did it without her knowledge.

So I go through her texts and I notice that she'd been texting this dude. Not much but she was texting him nonetheless. And nothing controversial. Except for the fact that she had texted him and a couple of others while I was ON THE PHONE with her the previous night. You know, at the time when I was totally wussing it up. Can't blame her for zoning out on me but I felt quite disrespected that she'd done that.
She wakes up a bit later and asks me if I'd gone through her texts to which I answer yes I had. Quite guiltily. She tells me "That was very cheap of you. I've lost my respect for you".
So, we stayed broken up. Which completely tears me apart. I felt really bad that I'd sunk to such a low that I'd completely forget to tell her as to why I went through her phone. There was no reconciliation this time.

For 2 days. During this time, I treat her like how I'd treat her a friend. i.e, not texting all the time and spending less time talking to her.

This unintentional No Contact thingy actually works in my favour. She starts missing me and we eventually get back together with me promising her that I overreacted with the whole bike thing and that I won't be so jealous or insecure again. i.e No snooping around her phone. And I stick to it.


Fast forward a week. The concert had gotten over and I was quite excited when I called her up the next day hoping that now things could go back to where it once was.
Yeah, right.
I asked her if we could go for a movie to which she replied a bit testily that she'd had a bit too much expenditure the past week (which was true). And then out of the blue she said that she was going for a movie with the dude who had a thing for her (same one who picked her up on the bike). I initially assumed that it was some after concert hangout thing with the entire group. But it wasn't! She said it was just this dude and her.

Old feelings resurface again. I tried to tell her that I won't be ok with it but she argues saying that eventhough the dude likes her, she doesn't see him as more than a friend. A good friend at that. A good friend after 2 months! I even try to reason with her saying that eventhough I have seen the movie once I wouldn't mind seeing it again with her. An offer which she waves off!
NOTE: The dude in question is the type of guy he generally likes. And till date she has never wanted or asked me if she could see a movie alone with another dude.
But but but, I did believe her when she said that she doesn't like him. I know for a fact that she would never cheat on me.

Yet, I wasn't ok with her going to the movies alone with this dude. She eventually gets pissed at MY behaviour and hangs up.
We meet up the next day to talk this out.
She starts off saying "last week you promised that you won't be insecure or jealous anymore."
I reply, "Yeah I did but surely you can't expect me to be ok with you going alone for a movie with a guy who likes you and is also not aware of the fact that you are committed to another guy."
She then goes on the defensive saying that if I'd really trusted her then I wouldn't have a problem with it. I assure her that I trust her implicity and that it has nothing to do with me not having faith in HER. She then asks me if I'd been in her email account to which I reply that I did but hadn't been too much of a nosey parker. Ofc, she gets really pissed and proceeds to just storm off.
I try to beg, plead and block her from going but to no avail.
Then I send her a text saying that my poking around in her Facebook, gmail accounts and her cell phone were only because I'd indeed a lost a bit of my trust in her after the bike incident.
We meet up for a bit. She tells me that she is really hurt by those words and proceeds to dump me saying that a relationship can't strive without trust.

I try to reason with her saying, "it's not like we'd lost our faith in each other completely. I know I can rebuild your trust in me. Just gimme a chance to show you that." She wouldn't hear it though saying that I'm just being manipulative and pretentious and that I never really cared about her. I knew that was just her emotion and anger talking so I remain calm and try to ride it out.
But she'd made up her mind to dump me well and good this time. Inspite of the fact that she'd still been very much in love with me at that point.
And I STILL am with her. So that was that.

It's been 4 days since we broke up. After the brutal breakup she tells me not to contact her anymore. I ask her if we could atleast be friends and she says that there's no way. Now or ever. So I bid her a very choked up goodbye.
Needless to say, the next day was painful in the extreme. I wanted to call and text her but I resist the temptation knowing that I have to honour my words to her atleast now.

Then, she calls me up later that night.

I ask her "how come you're talking to me now? does this mean that we are friends?"
She says, "I don't know why I called you. Felt really lonely and wanted to talk to you. But, we are not friends and can't be friends."
What the hell do I say to that? So I act all cool and talk to her for a while. Then the conversation heads into emo land. We cry and talk about the breakup.
This happens the next night as well after a day of not contacting each other. And the following day to that too.

After we hang up, I send her a text and I quote "I'm truly sorry for ****ing up this relationship multiple times. I'm willing to bend myself in any ridiculous angle to get you back into my life but you don't want me back. Which just sucks balls. From tomo onwards I'll do my level best not to contact you and not to be depressed all the time. But, if you want to talk I'll always be there for you. You deserve to be happy atleast now and I'll help you with that."

She replies the following morning saying "Okay, man. But you really don't have to do all that though". To which I tell her that I don't have to but I want to.
After that we were texting like how we used to when we were going out. Until I send her a text which was infact meant for myself (yeah, I text myself sometimes. :p)
Anyway, the text said "I still love her". Big mistake. I try to cancel the text from being sent but too little too late. So, I send her a message immediately asking her to ignore the previous text. But, the damage had already been done.
She sends a text saying "the previous text wasn't cool man".
I tell her quite truthfully that I'd intended to send the message to myself to see if I was getting any incoming messages. (I'd been in an area where the signal was weak)
She gives me monosyllabic replies. Eventhough she knew about that quirky habit of mine, she wasn't buying it this time. And I don't blame her.

After that incident, she hadn't texted or called like how she usually does at night. It's been one full day now. I know it's early days but it's really really hard already.



What now? Should I desist contacting her? Any chance that we'd still be able to work things out? Please give me some input. What's your take on all this?


PS: Apologies if I'd bored you with my drivel. (Assuming that you'd had the patience to read through it)
 
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sub1zero

Broken In
Thanks for reading it. I really mean that. :)

It's over? How so? I don't want to believe that but do tell me why or how it is over.
 

desiibond

Bond, Desi Bond!
hmm. Am going to be a bit straighforward here.

Given the amount of fights and breakups you two are having, it is clear that you both can never be on same wavelength and it is better if you two just stay as friends. In any case, you two become a married couple, there will be more fights in a month than anything else.

and no, it ain't over IMO. but you better end it for your own good.
 
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sub1zero

Broken In
Yeah? I was of the opinion that we could ride through this phase. Clearly she didn't feel the same way but I was willing to take a hit on my ego and pride to make this work.
I still want to make this work. It's not gone beyond salvage eventhough we have broken up.
 

desiibond

Bond, Desi Bond!
Yeah? I was of the opinion that we could ride through this phase. Clearly she didn't feel the same way but I was willing to take a hit on my ego and pride to make this work.
I still want to make this work. It's not gone beyond salvage eventhough we have broken up.

hmm. Didn't you do the same in the past. What happens if you guys un-break up and the same thing happens again? IMO, you guys gave enough tries.
btw, how old are you?

1. If you are still in your teen age, then you guys better stay more like friends, helping each other, keeping the feelings in check, till you guys get to the age where understanding curbs ego/pride.
2. If you are into the late 20s, then you should absolutely end it.
 

abhidev

Human Spambot
dude even i have gone through the same thing....one advice....just tell her what you felt/feel about such 'going alone with some dude on a bike' kind of situations but don't tell her what she should do or what she is supposed to do....just let her be..if she is really into you she'll definitely come back or else just let it be...
 
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sub1zero

Broken In
hmm. Didn't you do the same in the past. What happens if you guys un-break up and the same thing happens again? IMO, you guys gave enough tries.
btw, how old are you?

1. If you are still in your teen age, then you guys better stay more like friends, helping each other, keeping the feelings in check, till you guys get to the age where understanding curbs ego/pride.
2. If you are into the late 20s, then you should absolutely end it.

I just turned 21 a couple of months back. :D
And yes I do see what you are trying to say in a subtle way. But the thing is, when we do bicker, it's never about the same thing. We fight, we learn and move on. Then something fresh happens, we fight...you get the picture.

dude even i have gone through the same thing....one advice....just tell her what you felt/feel about such 'going alone with some dude on a bike' kind of situations but don't tell her what she should do or what she is supposed to do....just let her be..if she is really into you she'll definitely come back or else just let it be...

That's precisely what I did. I never forced her to do anything. All I said was that it won't make me happy. For that itself, she rounded off on me.
I am letting her go. For the time being. She is bitterly hurt now so there's no sense in talking about things with her.
But, I'd like to contact her in a few weeks and see where that will take me.

PS: Where did I go wrong in this whole fiasco? Apart from the cellphone checking that is. Was I justified in being embittered about the bike and movie thing?
 

Sarath

iDota
Wow. That was LOOOOONG. However despite the length it is a very simple plot. I say simple because it is fairly common. I have had two major breakups with my girl and its been bad so I can relate to you but coming to the point, I don't know why but girls do that; go out with other guys and say its normal. I have faced a similar situation and felt pretty helpless. But I never confronted her harshly.

I have been following this rule for the past 5 years: A person can understand your pain only if that person undergoes the pain too.

Now I don't mean you harm someone. All I am saying is when she goes out with her friends you don't have to sit a idle and sulk. Do the same, also not because you are doing it to prove something to her or give it back to her but try naturally finding friends and making a group. Now if you both have parallel but similar lifestyles sooner or later it becomes obvious that you guys have to spend more time together. Also in your case since you are always available she is in a situation where, she has a boyfriend to hang out with, but in case of any fights, she can reach out to her friends (in your case that dude). So you are pretty much always there and are at risk of being taken for granted.

From the little I have read, give it a week and all will be fine. All you have to do is get your desperation down. I partyed a lot after my breakup but never enjoyed anything. About two weeks into it I started missing her insanely and decided to talk to her. Unlike your case I had a serious issue for the breakup and the chances of getting back were 0.006% or less. But she was still in love with me luckily or had fallen for me again during the gap. All was well. All you need to do is talk normal. Be friends again.
"And please, if a girl calls you up and tells you that she is feeling lonely that is such a big jackpot. Sorry to say but you handled it badly at that point"
If I say this to you, it is not because you don't know this but because you panicked at that point. A girl will "never ever" directly tell you what she feels. I am sure you know of this. But you still went ahead to ask her a direct question. Instead of being a friend you were demanding friendship. Just be a good friend, its a piece of cake for you.

Fights are omnipresent in every relationship.

All you need to do it get over it. Not forget her. Tell her you want to start over and dont push yourself onto her "AT ALL" because you just have to be there. She is a girl, she will love you again. If you think she is not talking to you, you yourself know she will call you sooner or later.

I hope I didn't bore you. And at no point did I intent to offend you in any way. Good luck bro.
 

desiibond

Bond, Desi Bond!
I just turned 21 a couple of months back. :D
And yes I do see what you are trying to say in a subtle way. But the thing is, when we do bicker, it's never about the same thing. We fight, we learn and move on. Then something fresh happens, we fight...you get the picture.

yes. that's why I am telling you to not set boundaries, they will form once you the relationship becomes more and more stable. Be together till, let's say you guys settle down in career. like abhidev said, let her be herself and give her complete freedom, no questions asked (and do not show unhappiness) unless the line is crossed. if she is coming back to you everytime, it means that she is least bit interested in anyone else and that it is you that she wants. Have patience.
 

Sarath

iDota
When I started typing there were only 2 posts above me :)

Before sleeping. Things will be fine. Its not your fault or hers. Even if it is, it doesn't matter. Forget it. Forget and Forgive. Works like a charm.
 

Sarath

iDota
Also don't lay down rules. It is really frustrating for anyone to be controlled or restricted. If you want a point through and let her know amicably.

I tell my girl that I don't mind you spending time with your friends as long as it doesn't interfere with our time. Things have been cool that way. BTW I'm 22 :)

The girl wasn't for you. You can find many.

The older you grow the fewer the girls available. Population statistics don't work when searching for a girl. Their population is scarce and a bird in hand is... :grin:

yes. that's why I am telling you to not set boundaries, they will form once you the relationship becomes more and more stable. Be together till, let's say you guys settle down in career. like abhidev said, let her be herself and give her complete freedom, no questions asked (and do not show unhappiness) unless the line is crossed. if she is coming back to you everytime, it means that she is least bit interested in anyone else and that it is you that she wants. Have patience.

I think I said this in 4 paragraphs. :-? Need to write more efficiently

My friends girl dumped him because he restricted her too much. Even while breaking up she was in love with him but things were so bad that despite him falling on his knees nothing happened.
 
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sub1zero

Broken In
Wow. That was LOOOOONG. However despite the length it is a very simple plot. I say simple because it is fairly common. I have had two major breakups with my girl and its been bad so I can relate to you but coming to the point, I don't know why but girls do that; go out with other guys and say its normal. I have faced a similar situation and felt pretty helpless. But I never confronted her harshly.

I have been following this rule for the past 5 years: A person can understand your pain only if that person undergoes the pain too.

Now I don't mean you harm someone. All I am saying is when she goes out with her friends you don't have to sit a idle and sulk. Do the same, also not because you are doing it to prove something to her or give it back to her but try naturally finding friends and making a group. Now if you both have parallel but similar lifestyles sooner or later it becomes obvious that you guys have to spend more time together. Also in your case since you are always available she is in a situation where, she has a boyfriend to hang out with, but in case of any fights, she can reach out to her friends (in your case that dude). So you are pretty much always there and are at risk of being taken for granted.

From the little I have read, give it a week and all will be fine. All you have to do is get your desperation down. I partyed a lot after my breakup but never enjoyed anything. About two weeks into it I started missing her insanely and decided to talk to her. Unlike your case I had a serious issue for the breakup and the chances of getting back were 0.006% or less. But she was still in love with me luckily or had fallen for me again during the gap. All was well. All you need to do is talk normal. Be friends again.
"And please, if a girl calls you up and tells you that she is feeling lonely that is such a big jackpot. Sorry to say but you handled it badly at that point"
If I say this to you, it is not because you don't know this but because you panicked at that point. A girl will "never ever" directly tell you what she feels. I am sure you know of this. But you still went ahead to ask her a direct question. Instead of being a friend you were demanding friendship. Just be a good friend, its a piece of cake for you.

Fights are omnipresent in every relationship.

All you need to do it get over it. Not forget her. Tell her you want to start over and dont push yourself onto her "AT ALL" because you just have to be there. She is a girl, she will love you again. If you think she is not talking to you, you yourself know she will call you sooner or later.

I hope I didn't bore you. And at no point did I intent to offend you in any way. Good luck bro.

Maan. You actually read through my WHOLE post and yet you ask me whether I was bored with yours. Are you a suffocatingly nice guy? :p Just kidding ofc.

And you summed up most part of my post perfectly. I was taken for granted. The thought of meting out the same treatment crossed my mind too. But, that would have led to a fight as well. I tried to do, what I believed to be was the right and mature thing and I got ditched anyway. That hurts and also frustrates me intensely because before she got into all this, she was the one who'd get insanely jealous all of a sudden and quite unreasonably.

But when she did, I always made it a point to make her feel wanted. I'd even put down some of my really really good friends to ensure that she was and is my top priority. I expected a little bit of the same from her in this situation. Guess that was too much to ask, eh?
 
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sub1zero

Broken In
Post her pics on the forum.

Funny guy. :D

I didnot set any boundaries at any point in the relationship. Only when a line was crossed, did I raise an issue.
And I got dumped for that. What to do? :p

I concur with what the fellow above me had said. There might be a bazillion better girls out there. But the odds of you running into them are really slim.
 

desiibond

Bond, Desi Bond!
That's exactly what I personally never did and would never do.

guys like us hang out with gadgets and make love with forums, we let our parents have the headache of finding the girl for us, marry her and stay happy. No jhik-jhik, no khich-khich. :D
 
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sub1zero

Broken In
That's exactly what I personally never did and would never do.

To each his own, yeah? It's not like I insulted them mercilessly. Just stuff like "come on now. you know that you're better than her." or "as fun as they are as a group, I find you even more entertaining." You get the picture.
 
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