Share All Your Jokes Here ! [warning: some jokes may not be family friendly]
Krazy Bluez
Banned to Spam
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !
Can't stop laughing...ROFL
^I was late by a minute to post that
How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program
by Dave Barry from his new book Dave Barry In Cyberspace
1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box
that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the
software.
It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope
that says:
LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the
terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever
reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the
Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks
and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the
Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the
right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as
well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or
leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the
dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've
been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of
child), please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which
the following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what
would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?
Choose one, and be honest:
+-------++------------+
| YES || SURE |
+-------++------------+
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring
or a very long time while the installation program does God knows what
in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular
structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been
transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor.
At the very least, the installation program will create many new
directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive
and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like
"puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
display the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your
software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia,
shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you
should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&
11. At this point your computer system should become less functional
than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with
furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the
package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to
you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3
through 12
--Tamara Schomber, M.Ed., PSC
Watertown Elementary, Tennessee
Can't stop laughing...ROFL
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !
Finishing ur education is lyk delivering a baby. Evry1 appreciates the outcome but no1 knows the amt of tym u got f**kd in d proccess
Finishing ur education is lyk delivering a baby. Evry1 appreciates the outcome but no1 knows the amt of tym u got f**kd in d proccess
Psychosocial
Violent serenity.
rohan_mhtr
Most wanted
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !
Are You Paying Attention?" A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.
"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.
He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them.
After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of
observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."
Are You Paying Attention?" A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.
"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.
He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them.
After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of
observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."
furious_gamer
Excessive happiness
OP
MetalheadGautham
AFK
rohan_mhtr
Most wanted
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If General Motors had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy
more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that's powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If General Motors had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy
more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that's powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
furious_gamer
Excessive happiness
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !
^^ lol......
The last one was real good.....
^^ lol......
The last one was real good.....
koolbluez
Šupər♂ - 超人
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !
Some good one liners I came across:
1. It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
2. There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
3. I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.
4. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
5. People have the right to be stupid. You, my friend, abuse that privilege.
6. Never be afraid to try, remember. Amateurs built the Ark; professionals, the Titanic.
7. I have a memory of a gold fish....it only consists of 5 seconds......why am i typing about a fish????
8. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.
9. Are you always this stupid, or are you making a special effort today?
10. Opinions are like buttholes.........everyone's got one!
11. Today its cool to have small cars and small computers. Soon it will be cool to have a small pɘn!s too. Then you, my friend, will be....THE MAN!
12. I knew I was a nut the day the squirrel started looking at me funny!!
13. Please God-If you cant make me thin make my friends fat!
14. When I get the urge to work, I just lay down until the feeling goes away!
15. Be nice to your kids.. they will choose your nursing home one day.
16. I used to have a handle on life, then, it broke.
17. LALALALALALALALA I am not listening! LALALALALALALALA!
18. This cat is cat a cat good cat way cat to cat keep cat a cat idiot cat buzy cat for cat 20 cat seconds cat!
( NOW READ IT WITHOUT SAYIN CAT!)
19. Great cheese comes from happy cows
^The italics for those who r a lil low in HQ(humor quotient)^
Some good one liners I came across:
1. It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
2. There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
3. I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.
4. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
5. People have the right to be stupid. You, my friend, abuse that privilege.
6. Never be afraid to try, remember. Amateurs built the Ark; professionals, the Titanic.
7. I have a memory of a gold fish....it only consists of 5 seconds......why am i typing about a fish????
8. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.
9. Are you always this stupid, or are you making a special effort today?
10. Opinions are like buttholes.........everyone's got one!
11. Today its cool to have small cars and small computers. Soon it will be cool to have a small pɘn!s too. Then you, my friend, will be....THE MAN!
12. I knew I was a nut the day the squirrel started looking at me funny!!
13. Please God-If you cant make me thin make my friends fat!
14. When I get the urge to work, I just lay down until the feeling goes away!
15. Be nice to your kids.. they will choose your nursing home one day.
16. I used to have a handle on life, then, it broke.
17. LALALALALALALALA I am not listening! LALALALALALALALA!
18. This cat is cat a cat good cat way cat to cat keep cat a cat idiot cat buzy cat for cat 20 cat seconds cat!
( NOW READ IT WITHOUT SAYIN CAT!
)19. Great cheese comes from happy cows
^The italics for those who r a lil low in HQ(humor quotient
)^
casanova
The Frozen Nova
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !
I did think this way since years but this line was not put by me. So frankly speaking, I thought it first and someone else said it first.
Frankly speaking.... Stale stuff ^
But ur siggy is WOW.... simple, straight & real funny
Wonder who said it first?
I did think this way since years but this line was not put by me. So frankly speaking, I thought it first and someone else said it first.
furious_gamer
Excessive happiness
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !
@kollbluez
Really nice ones....
@kollbluez
Really nice ones....
skippednote
M3TAL H3AD M3
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !
^^
nice...
^^
nice...
amitabhishek
Bad to the bone
Re: How to Shower
> How to Shower Like a Woman
>
> 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
> laundry hamper according
> to lights and darks.
>
> 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
> If you see husband
> along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
>
> 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -
> make mental note to
> do more sit-ups
>
> 4.. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth,
> leg cloth, long
> loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
>
> 5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage
> shampoo with 43 added
> vitamins.
>
> 6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
>
> 7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint
> conditioner enhanced with
> natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15
> minutes.
>
> 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial
> scrub for 10 minutes
> until red.
>
> 9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and
> jaffa cake body wash.
>
>
> 1. Rinse conditioner off hair.
>
> 11. Shave armpits and legs.
>
> 12. Turn off shower.
>
> 13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
> Spray mold spots with
> Tilex.
>
> 14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of
> a small country.
> Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
>
> 15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
>
> 16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown
> and towel on head.
>
> 17. If you see husband along the way, cover up
> any exposed areas.
>
>
>
> AND NOW
>
>
>
> How To Shower Like a Man
>
>
> 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of
> the bed and leave them
> in a pile.
>
> 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife
> along the way, shake
> wien$r at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
>
> 3. Look in the mirror, look at your wiener and
> scratch your a$$.
>
> 4. Get in the shower.
>
> 5. Wash your face
>
>
> 6. Wash your armpits.
>
> 7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water
> rinse them off.
>
> 8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and
> laugh at how loud they
> sound in the shower.
>
> 9. Spend majority of time washing privates and
> surrounding area.
>
> 10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs
> stuck on the
> soap.
>
> 11. Shampoo your hair.
>
> 12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk..
>
> 13. Pee.
>
> 14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
>
> 15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on
> floor because curtain
> was hanging out of tub the whole time.
>
> 16. Admire wien$r size in mirror again.
>
> 17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
> light and fan on.
>
> 18. Return to bedroom with towel around your
> waist. If you pass
> wife, pull off towel, shake wien$r at her and make
> the 'woo-woo' sound
> again.
>
> 19. Throw wet towel on bed
> How to Shower Like a Woman
>
> 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
> laundry hamper according
> to lights and darks.
>
> 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
> If you see husband
> along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
>
> 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -
> make mental note to
> do more sit-ups
>
> 4.. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth,
> leg cloth, long
> loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
>
> 5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage
> shampoo with 43 added
> vitamins.
>
> 6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
>
> 7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint
> conditioner enhanced with
> natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15
> minutes.
>
> 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial
> scrub for 10 minutes
> until red.
>
> 9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and
> jaffa cake body wash.
>
>
> 1. Rinse conditioner off hair.
>
> 11. Shave armpits and legs.
>
> 12. Turn off shower.
>
> 13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
> Spray mold spots with
> Tilex.
>
> 14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of
> a small country.
> Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
>
> 15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
>
> 16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown
> and towel on head.
>
> 17. If you see husband along the way, cover up
> any exposed areas.
>
>
>
> AND NOW
>
>
>
> How To Shower Like a Man
>
>
> 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of
> the bed and leave them
> in a pile.
>
> 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife
> along the way, shake
> wien$r at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
>
> 3. Look in the mirror, look at your wiener and
> scratch your a$$.
>
> 4. Get in the shower.
>
> 5. Wash your face
>
>
> 6. Wash your armpits.
>
> 7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water
> rinse them off.
>
> 8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and
> laugh at how loud they
> sound in the shower.
>
> 9. Spend majority of time washing privates and
> surrounding area.
>
> 10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs
> stuck on the
> soap.
>
> 11. Shampoo your hair.
>
> 12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk..
>
> 13. Pee.
>
> 14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
>
> 15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on
> floor because curtain
> was hanging out of tub the whole time.
>
> 16. Admire wien$r size in mirror again.
>
> 17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
> light and fan on.
>
> 18. Return to bedroom with towel around your
> waist. If you pass
> wife, pull off towel, shake wien$r at her and make
> the 'woo-woo' sound
> again.
>
> 19. Throw wet towel on bed
RaghuKL
Swalpa Adjust Maadi
Re: Share All Your Jokes Here !
BILL GATES organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe.
5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Kantibhai Shah.
Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave. 2000 people leave the room.
Kantibhai says to himself, "I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try."
Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people may leave. 2000 people leave the room.
Kantibhai says to himself "I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?" So he stays.
Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave. 500 people leave the room.
Kantibhai says to himself, "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?" So he stays in the room.
Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room.
Kantibhai says to himself, "I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?" So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joined them and said "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language."
Calmly, Kantibhai turns to the other candidate and says..."kem chho?"
The other candidate answers..."Choop bes gadhedaa..."
BILL GATES organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe.
5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Kantibhai Shah.
Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave. 2000 people leave the room.
Kantibhai says to himself, "I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try."
Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people may leave. 2000 people leave the room.
Kantibhai says to himself "I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?" So he stays.
Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave. 500 people leave the room.
Kantibhai says to himself, "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?" So he stays in the room.
Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room.
Kantibhai says to himself, "I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?" So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joined them and said "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language."
Calmly, Kantibhai turns to the other candidate and says..."kem chho?"
The other candidate answers..."Choop bes gadhedaa..."