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[Humour] What if Operating Systems Were ....

Discussion in 'Chit-Chat' started by naveenchandran, Feb 23, 2006.

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  1. naveenchandran

    naveenchandran New Member

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    What if Operating Systems Were Airlines? :lol:

    DOS Airlines
    Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again, then they push again jump on again, and so on.

    OS/2 Airlines
    The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. The announcer says that their flight has just departed, wishes them a good flight, though there are no planes on the runway. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems.
    Once they finally finished you're offered a flight at reduced cost. To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different times by standing in ten different lines. Then you fill our a form showing where you want to sit and whether the plane should look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you succeed in getting on the plane and the plane succeeds in taking off the ground, you have a wonderful trip...except for the time when the rudder and flaps get frozen in position, in which case you will just have time to say your prayers and get in crash position.

    Windows Air
    The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

    Windows NT Air
    Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

    Mac Airlines
    All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

    Unix Airlines
    Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.

    Wings of OS/400
    The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew, and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club. Then they cost $500, but your accounting department can call it overhead.

    Mach Airlines
    There is no airplane. The passengers gather and shout for an airplane, then wait and wait and wait and wait. A bunch of people come, each carrying one piece of the plane with them. These people all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they're building. The plane finally takes off, leaving the passengers on the ground waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. After the plane lands, the pilot telephones the passengers at the departing airport to inform them that they have arrived.

    Newton Airlines
    After buying your ticket 18 months in advance, you finally get to board the plane. Upon boarding the plane you are asked your name. After 6 times, the crew member recognizes your name and then you are allowed to take your seat. As you are getting ready to take your seat, the steward announces that you have to repeat the boarding process because they are out of room and need to recount to make sure they can take more passengers.

    VMS Airlines
    The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors.

    BeOS Air
    You have to pay for the tickets, but they're half the price of Windows Air, and if you are an aircraft mechanic you can probably ride for free. It only takes 15 minutes to get to the airport and you are cheuferred there in a limozine. BeOS Air only has limited types of planes that only only hold new luggage. All planes are single seaters and the model names all start with an "F" (F-14, F-15, F-16, F-18, etc.). The plane will fly you to your destination on autopilot in half the time of other Airways or you can fly the plane yourself. There are limited destinations, but they are only places you'd want to go to anyway. You tell all your friends how great BeOS Air is and all they say is "What do you mean I can't bring all my old baggage with me?"

    Linux Airlines
    Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

    Source: http://www.webaugur.com/bibliotheca/field_stock/os-airlines.html
     
  2. godsownman

    godsownman New Member

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    Emulates the real counterparts well.

    Linux Airlines is the best.
     
  3. Satissh S

    Satissh S New Member

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    BSD Airlines:-
    To get into the plane you have travel through mazes and solve a lot of puzzles but when you are in, the plane will keep flying forever and you are off to a never-come-back unix land! :p ;)
     
  4. mobile_freak_2020

    mobile_freak_2020 New Member

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    Mine is windows airlines.. Do pray for me ppl ;-)
     
  5. Keith Sebastian

    Keith Sebastian New Member

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    I'm on Windows airlines and have a good time right now with the pretty stewardesses :lol: and, I don't mind if it blows up over the ocean. Atleast I'll die with a smile on my face. :wink:

    Good one, Naveen.

    -K
     
  6. praka123

    praka123 left this forum longback

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    Myself :) Happy on Linux Airlines,but got three Linux Airlines and One Windows Airlines in my Line of Flights.Windows Flight is for those risky minded who loves beauty,not safety :lol:
    For more details see left side list:
     
  7. it_waaznt_me

    it_waaznt_me Coming back to life ..

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    "Screw the seat" :)) :)) Man that was freaking hilarious ...
     
  8. Satissh S

    Satissh S New Member

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    Not quite agreed.. Even TWM is 10000 time better than Windows NT's GUI !! :p
     
  9. djmykey

    djmykey Let the music play.....

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    This guy whoever has written it was tilted towards linux as I can see. Anyways funny 1 :)
     
  10. kumarmohit

    kumarmohit New Member

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    funny tho iagreewith djmykey
     
  11. Mr.Cool

    Mr.Cool New Member

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    Ha ha. Nice Airline collection.
    (Though i wud like to stick with Linux.) :D
     
  12. Apollo

    Apollo "Technologic"

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    Re: [Humour] What if Operating Systems Were Airlines?

    We'd have far too many 'serious' crashes! ;)
     
  13. devarajan

    devarajan New Member

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    Re: [Humour] What if Operating Systems Were Airlines?

    u r right.
     
  14. theKonqueror

    theKonqueror CCIE# 20863

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    Me 2...
     
  15. mvishnu

    mvishnu New Member

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    But when windows plane xplodes, you could always press crtl+alt+delete, to start the journey from the beginning, only problem being that all people not wearing seatbelts will have died.... (seatbelt = saving)
     
  16. OP
    OP
    naveenchandran

    naveenchandran New Member

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    If Operating Systems Were Beers .....

    DOS Beer
    Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
    Mac Beer
    At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
    Windows 3.1 Beer
    Once considered the world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beers. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
    OS/2 Beer
    Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
    Windows 95 Beer
    The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
    Windows NT Beer
    Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
    Windows 98 Beer
    Millions sampled Windows95 beer and noticed that it was often flat, right out of the can. The manufacturer of Windows95 beer decided to re-release it as Windows98 beer and guarantee it's freshness. Most consumers are skeptical of the manufacturer's claims, and will continue to drink flat Windows95 beer because they have acquired the taste for it.
    Windows 2000 Beer
    The manufacturer of the Windows line of beers says this will be "the" beer, if they can just finish playing with the ingredients. This beer will have many ingredients of Windows 95/98 and NT beers. Many drinkers in the future will be forced to drink this when they get thirsty since they won't be able to find Windows 95 or 98 or NT beer on the shelves. According to manufacturer it's combines the greatest taste ever with almost no calories. Only one problem, the cans explode without warning and take out half the refrigerator with them.
    Unix Beer
    Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
    Linux Beer
    LINUX beer tastes just like Unix beer. Like Unix beer, Linux beer is intended for expert beer drinkers only. It originally had no pop tops or cans because you had to brew it yourself. First you would get a recipe and some yeast from a Unix guru. Then go plow a field, plant your barley and hops. After harvest you would take your Kernels and put them into a barrel full of water, then you just add your yeast close the lid, and let your beer compile. After all this you have what experts claim to be one of the Worlds Best Beers. Linux beers do not normally explode but many brewers have been known to. Linux beer is now available from some Micro Brewerys in handy pop top versions for easy drinking by beginner Unix or Linux beer drinkers. Keep your can openers handy.
    AmigaDOS Beer
    The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
    VMS Beer
    Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

    Source: http://www.tobp.com/humor/systems.shtml




    If Operating Systems Were Cars...

    Ever wonder what your car would be like if it were designed like the major operating systems were? Wonder no more. . .

    WinCar 95 - This is the car of yesteryear’s yesteryear. Though completely obsolete in every way some people still drive it. It gets 6 mpg, tends to die at odd moments and has a bad habit of catching fire and killing all aboard. Despite these draw backs some owners still have one of these sitting in the garage.

    WinCar 98 - This is really just a Win95 model with a slightly better fire-suppression system and a better paint job. Though more advanced than its predecessor major flaws still remain. It might not explode like Win95 did but it does have a tendency to periodically eject you from the car when you go over 55 mph. Oddly enough it too continues to enjoy wide support even though its owners admit that better and cheaper options exist.

    WinCar 2000 - This is really just a Win98 model with a much better paint job. Sadly it has numerous problems which were officially renamed “features�. Such features include simultaneously blowing out all four tires, the ability to only roll one window down at a time, the option of buying three more seats so that other people can ride in your car and a windshield made of stained glass. Pretty but not very useful. Win2000 was the most reliable WinCar to date. Sadly, like its predecessors it would sometimes turn a bright shade of blue and completely stop working. Many drivers were killed when this happened to them while driving on interstate.

    WinCarME - This was supposed to be the next big thing from WinCars however it turned out to be more like one of those future-cars that people in the 40’s thought we would drive 60 years later. It has lots of flash and dash however its completely useless. This model was discontinued because even under best driving conditions when the car was driven according to the manual it would catch fire, blow a tire, roll over, decapitate you with the airbag and then burn itself into slag. You are more likely to see a Win95 model on the road than this thing.

    WinCarXP - Introduced as the latest and greatest from WinCar this was the ultimate in driving experience. Slightly larger than Aircraft Carrier WinXP had the ability to do everything, it just did it poorly. The main downside was the ease with which car thieves could break in and steal your CD player. At first, all they had to do was open the door. After that WinCar did a recall and installed door locks. This didn’t help much because people never locked their doors. After crooks started stealing everything that wasn’t nailed down and then driving the car into a burning building people started locking their doors. However by this time criminals started using coat hangers. Another recall later and anti-coat hanger devices were installed. Soon criminals had so many different ways of breaking into your car that seperate companies sprung up that existed solely to sell you WinClub and similar anti-theft devices. Sadly this trend has been going on for several years with no end in sight.

    WinCarLonghorn - This car was going to come out shortly after the horde of critical flaws in XP were discovered. This model was to include warp engines, cloaking fields, time travel portals, anti-criminal auto targeting phasers, telepathic interface etc. Sadly, despite legions of workers, no one at WinCar could seem to really implement these ideas. So, after pushing the deadline back by 4 years and cutting most of the features that was to make this model so special WinCar has decided to just rerelease WinXP with a new paint job and hope no one notices.

    AutoMac 7.0-9.2 This was the AppleCar equivalent of WinCar’s 95,98 and 2000 models. Mac’s cars all tended to look the same but were much more reliable than WinCars. Despite being solar powered, coming with custom interiors and stellar reliability sales were sluggish. Many pundits have noticed striking resemblances between a MacCar model and the WinCar model released the next year.

    AutoMac X - This is a solar powered, all terrain vehicle that never breaks down and has a crusing speed of 80% the speed of light. Recent editions allow one to not only fly but engage in a high- altitude orbit of the earth. Theft is not a problem because once you exit the car it morphs into a seamless sphere providing no access without the key. Despite having more features than any of the WinCar’s products adoption of this model has been also been slow. Though it should be noted that you will never see one of these on the side of the road with a shirt rolled up in the window.

    Unix Motor Works - Originally designed by masochist UnixCar has improved considerably over the years. All models are essentially gun-metal gray cubes with four wheels and a headlight that can inflict fourth degree burns. There is no windshield, instead you navigate using radar and thermal imaging (it takes a little practice to be sure). The first dozen or so models had no gauges, warning lights, indicators or displays at all. Instead that was just one large red bulb that would come on when a problem occurred. Thankfully that feature is long gone (now there are two bulbs!). While not as intuitive as most other manufacturers, UC’s continually produces reliable transportation. Though never one to win any beauty awards this baby will get you were you need to go with utmost security.

    TransLinux (formerly known as DIY Car-In-A-Box) - One day a large automaker went out of business. Ex-employees raided the place before the lawyers got there and carried off parts and plans to the current generation of cars. Thus one guy eventually built his own car from scratch. Granted, you could still outrun it on a unicycle but it was a start. Over time a large socialist corporation was formed in which everyone created their own car but put a LinuxCar bumper sticker on it anyway. Currently there are over 4,000 different LinuxCars being sold or given away for free. Some resemble the UnixCar cube design, some favor the more flashy WinCar style while others sport a more Mac/UnixCar hybrid look. Linux cars tend to cater to the specialty crowd more so than any other manufacturer. For example SuCsCar’s Linux model produces cars that are actually suitcases and can thus fold up and be dragged various places. RedLightCar’s Linux model automatically stops at all red lights. KnokItCar’s Linux model is merely four wheels, a seat, steering wheel and an engine attached to a frame. It is advisable to wear eye protection to avoid being blinded by bugs when driving this model. NsCar’s Linux Model is designed for those speed freaks who never go in reverse only like to turn left. On the whole LinuxCars tend to be reliable and secure but some interfaces can leave something to be desired. People who use this car tend to tinker with their auto all the time. Many times while they are driving down the road much to the confusion of other drivers.

    Source: http://www.applematters.com/
     
  17. Satissh S

    Satissh S New Member

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    LOL!!! :lol:
    Really nice read., Btw the car one was a bit mac biased :evil:
    Mac cars are also made from unix-car dumps, stolen quietly by their manufacturer and renamed. Only good thing their manufacturer did was to create good car-graphics which apparently windows car manufacturer stole,also mac car's will only run only on roads made for them, which are apparently very rare to find, also most mac users look like aliens and they mistake left to right and vice-versa.
     
  18. godsownman

    godsownman New Member

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    Excellent , the collection is too good.
     
  19. rajkumar_personal

    rajkumar_personal Ignorance is BLISS !!

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    Can't find a post to beat this one for being HILARIOUS !
    Absolutely P-H-E-N-O-M-E-N-A-L !
     
  20. william

    william New Member

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    lol nice one man and get ready for new airline - Viata . offers you world class luxury and also world class expensive.
     
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