Are you running Android? Are you tired of all those ‘productivity-enhancing’ apps cluttering your phone? In the mood for something out of the ordinary? Here are some of the weirdest Android apps we could find for you. Thank us later.
Hold On, literally
Great for distracting young kids, putting yourself to sleep, or developing arthritis a few decades early, Hold On tests the true limits of human endurance. How long can you keep the button pressed? The developers were clearly expecting things to get competitive – they show you your time right up to the millisecond. Don’t miss its debut at the 2020 Olympics for People with Too Much Free Time.
Note that this is not for the faint of heart. User Senpai Kawaii’s review: “65m & 55s 4/5 stars, but still better than Call of duty, by the way i broke my thumb”
RunPee during any movie
App developers want to protect you from even the slightest inconveniences of human drudgery. Ever gulped down that soda a little too fast at the start of a thriller? RunPee tells you the best time to take a leak during any movie. But it doesn’t stop there – it’s a genuinely helpful movie companion, giving you synopses of parts you missed (even if you arrive late), vibrating discretely before the best moment to pee, and telling you in advance about after-credits scenes. Sometimes, a good thing starts as, well, just a weird thing.
Uber for Cuddles
It’s a modern wasteland we’re living in, starved of human companionship, eyes and hands always glued to silicon-chip mistresses, souls atrophying in loneliness. Seeking Cuddles is here to heal you. On-demand cuddles to remind you of the warmth of a human’s touch, a simple conversation, and genuine friendliness. Strictly platonic though, so no hookups.
“I told you no hookups”
Pooplog, a log for poop
Don’t you sometimes get the urge to… plot on a map every place you’ve ever, erm, unloaded? Doesn’t it bother you that you have no record of everywhere you’ve ever, erm, marked your territory? Isn’t it just the worst that you can’t ever share your toilet-related achievements with your family, friends, acquaintances, landlords, and every weirdo on your Facebook friend list? Pooplog makes all this and more possible. And in case you were wondering – yes, you can export your logs (ugh, pardon the pun) to Excel.
It’s the 21st century, yo. There isn’t that much to say anyway. Yo lets you say Yo to all your friends. And then they can say Yo back to you. And you can reply, Yo. Sometimes, they might double-Yo you, and you can feel loved and important. Once in a while, you should do it back to them. No triple-Yo’s though, that’s just needy
Smoking is terrible for you, and if you haven’t quit yet, let’s hope you’re the exception to the statistical facts. “But,” you implore, “then how can I do that cool lighter-waving thing at concerts?” There’s an app for that. Virtual Lighter lets you be old-school at concerts without enabling eventual lung cancer or draining your battery with the flash.
Doomsday Countdown is exactly what the doctor ordered for your paranoia. Just set the date that you know the world is going to end (giving the Mayans another chance, are we?), and let it tick down. No more last minute rush to get your apocalyptic supplies ready! No more getting stuck in traffic in the eventual scramble to safety! Beat the crowd, plan ahead!
In case you’re a time-travelling mathematician from 3000 years ago and calculators (or maybe, the decimal number system) just aren’t your thing – here’s all you need. The Abacus App raises the app version of “Wait, when will I ever use this in the real world?” While there is some evidence that abacus use develops mathematical abilities in young children, it isn’t clear if the replacement of the tactile interface with a touchscreen will preserve that effect on them.
Mosquito Repellent App
Don’t let the tabloids distract you, there’s controversy even on the Play Store. Anti Mosquito and similar apps claim to generate a high frequency sound inaudible to humans that repels mosquitoes. This claim has proven extremely contentious – there are warring factions who believe that the sound is and isn’t audible to them, as well as other clans who support and reject its efficacy as a repellent. Try it for yourself, and pick your team.
It’s time to brush up on your conspiracy theories. Is the government controlling us all with mind-control rays? Are nuclear power plants actually secret prisons? GammaPix is a legitimate radiation detector. While it’s nowhere close to as accurate or sensitive as a Geiger counter, it can actually detect radiation from mobile phones, microwaves and similar devices. Give it a try, but make sure to wear your tinfoil hat while you’re at it.
In a career slump? You can resort to hunting for scrap metal with the Metal Detector app. Before you scoff, it actually works – your phone can detect variations in electromagnetic fields to beep whenever there’s a magnetic metal in the vicinity. Unfortunately, this will only work with copper, iron and nickel – not steel, brass, and many others that you might want to check.
Drawing the shortest straw
Chwazi Finger Chooser is an interesting solution for times when you and your friends need to draw lots. Who’s going to answer the doorbell? Or get up from the super-comfy couch during a movie? Or order pizza? Which timeline is it going to be? The app is simple – one finger per person on the phone screen. It picks one of you randomly with a neat glowy interface. Sucks to be you, bud. Now go get the door.
Disclaimer: it is completely unclear if this app has any scientific basis or if it’s a joke. But hey, it exists. From the mouths of babes… come meaningful, interpretable demands, according to Baby Language. It supposedly used the pitch, consonant sounds, and other parts of the crying sound to identify why your baby is crying. Try it, your mileage may vary.
“I don’t know what is bothering me, but you have to fix it”
Alcohol Breathalyzer is the perfect app for times when you’re sober enough to enter your body weight, amount of alcohol consumed, time to start drinking and duration of drinking . Based on these stats, it gives you your approximate level of intoxication. This is a good app to have, because if you can use it, you’re probably in a decent condition. Take this with a gigantic pinch of salt, and please never drink and drive.
Now that your Android device has had a complete personality makeover, go ahead and give it a case that fits its vibe – because at the end of the day, we’re all consumer sheep and happy about it. So this is your chance to stand out of the crowd and make yourself and your device the wackiest of the lot. Send us pictures!