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BooMan: Why WWDC 2018 sucked

Look, we did our ‘Jobs’! – Apple, WWDC 2018

Aghh! I’ve been drafted into writing about crapple again. This is what I get for running my mouth off about Ed’s Facebook addiction – he doesn’t get mad, he gets even! So here I am, stuck writing about Apple’s Worldwide Developer (or is it Dingus?) Conference (WWDC 2018). Woohoo! So hyped! -_-

The iSheep flocked to it like flies to whatever that blue light thingy that zaps them dead is called. Every year they wait with bated breath for their messiahs to bestow upon them glorious nothings. How do you get to WWDC? You have to enter a lottery, win, and then pay $1,600 for the ticket. Yes, you literally fight for the right to pay them to go sit in an auditorium and hear that they did nothing new! I could actually finish up this article with this piece of lexical code:

WWDC 2018 = {
(Apps)x24;(AR)x1;
(Obvious features that Android has had for ages)x56;
(Apps)x10;(Answers to obvious problems)x0293;(New Hardware)x0;
(Useless emojis)x10;(Apps)x12;
(Look we brought our own apps to our own devices)x15;
(sacrifice, effort blah blah)x5000
}

But Ed won’t let me get away with that. Now be warned, even for someone as talented and crabby as me, it’s impossible to crib about everything Apple did wrong at WWDC in a single page, so not everything will be covered here. But feel free to send in your own whinges to me. If you are an Apple fan, please send hate mail to applesucks@apple.com.

Apple literally announced app usage analysis as a big deal. In 2018! ScreenTime! (Seriously?). Now you can see how much time you’ve spent on your apps and even regulate the time spent with limits. Of course Android and even Windows has had this for ages – they should call it ScreenTimeTravel because you’re now living in the past. Another update? iOS Photos is now Google Photos. That’s it. No further explanation needed.

One of the actually ‘ingenious’ things that Apple has pulled off this year gives you more to do while packaging it as a benefit. Siri can now work with shortcut phrases that can trigger a bunch of actions. Along with predetermined options, you can also create your own – so that Apple can tell you that you’re doing it wrong when it doesn’t work.

There’s an endless list of features that anyone should be ashamed of making a big deal out of in 2018. Along with ScreenTime, Apple also announced Dark mode on macOS Mojave, grouped notifications on iOS 12 (still can’t interact with them on the notification tray!), group video calls on Facetime, and more. In typical Apple-fashion, Dark mode is not available on iOS. Because why would you need a dark mode for a device that you’re going to use right before you go to sleep, right? Instead, they give you Do not Disturb for your bedtime and pat themselves on the back. Wait, literally, everyone else has it already? Pssht, they did it better!

Apple has made a big deal out of Augmented Reality at this year’s dingus conference. Sure, the group AR thing does look fun, but what the iSheep missed was the fact that both the multiplayer demos were on iPads, held at an arm’s length, which is great news for chiropractors! Additionally, the fancy Measure app, which will be default in iOS going forward, will end up killing many similar apps that have cropped up on the App Store since ARKit was introduced. Way to discourage your developers at a developer conference, Apple!

Don’t even get me started on the updates for watchOS and tvOS. Even with the minor updates that Apple had announced for watchOS 5, they’ve already managed to brick a bunch of Apple Watches that tried to update. Guess it’s a bad time to be an Apple fanboy, eh? tvOS still cannot play 4K YouTube content, because why would it need to when everyone has 4K TVs and YouTube is the largest source of 4K content out there? Ah yes, because it’s Google’s and we can’t have anyone else make money off iPeople can we?

WWDC 2018 didn’t have any new hardware. It usually does, so bad luck if you paid $1,600 + airfare and stay to go there to get hands on some new devices. There was no news about the AirPower wireless charger that was announced for 2018 but hasn’t been mentioned once this year. How about addressing the fact that they knew about ‘ bendgate’ but didn’t warn people? The 60+ class action lawsuits pending against them for performance throttling and hardware problems? The obvious keyboard problems plaguing the Macbooks for ages now? Instead, we got a looooong live conference with nothing new, yet again.

See you again in September for the latest iSuck…err…iPhone.

Boo Man

Boo Man

I hate everything. Including this author description.