I didn’t want to write this article. I consider anything Apple a waste of my time, but these bloody editor-types are so irritating. So I was made to sit up at night and watch the stupid keynote speech like some petty news writer for some blog trying to SEO for every Apple-related keyword possible… “Or else!” they said, and I was left feeling that “or else” might have been the better choice. I’m the type who hates to suffer alone, so here; watch and suffer as I did.
They played this video in the start. It was supposed to be a joke, but we all know that most jokes mimic reality, and merely exaggerate a tad. So what we learn from this video is that Apple hires a fruitcake who probably talks to his plants, places him in a critical server room where apparently one plug being pulled can bring down the entire app store. Doing so makes your Apple devices totally useless, and then all Apple customers walk about like mindless zombies living on the streets… yep, sounds about right. The only thing they exaggerated was the effect of Apple maps. I mean come on, does anyone really even use that? Then again, if you do, you’re probably the type to cause silly accidents… so maybe even that was accurate? I don’t know.
Next, a few “best”, “biggest”, “ever”, “change the world”, etc., were thrown out Apple-style, and people Woo-ed (while I Booed) their heads off. This went on for about two hours or so, as different people came along and showcased more “best ever” things, as they do every year.
So what was the earth-shattering news this year?
- Amazon Prime Video on Apple TV. OMG! OMG! American Gods and The Grand Tour? The Apple TV might finally be worth buying… no, wait, no need, my smart TV has had that feature for ages…
- New OSes… iOS 11, watchOS 4, tvOS 11 and of course macOS 10.13. Because a new version must be better, right? How unique. Shh. No one tell the rest of the world, okay?
- iOS developers will get an ARkit to help them develop AR apps. Very 2015!
- The App store got a new design, and Siri got a new voice. Careful now, don’t pass out from all the excitement.
- Sheeple can transfer money to one another using Apple Pay – presumably as loans to be able to buy yet another pointless iDevice on launch day.
- Toy Story characters will make the watch look cute, because nothing can ever make it useful.
- They stretched the iPad screen, but less than before (not to 12.9 inches, only to 10.5), so it’s totally “new”.
- There was a lot of time spent yapping about iMacs, Macbooks and something called an iMac Pro, but I’m not one of the nine people in India who will buy one, so I just dozed off during that…
- There was some speaker thing that they call HomePod, which is basically just another way to sell you Apple Music subscriptions. Now you can say “Hey Siri, play Baarish” and it will probably play you something by some artist called “Boris”, without true stereo effect, and will probably cost 30k! But then again, no Indian buys it for the music, they buy it for the logo…
There was probably much more that was launched or announced, but my neighbour had just painted his house, so I went over to watch his walls dry. I “Wooo-ed” at his walls for an hour straight. He now thinks I’m an Apple mobile app developer…
I assume this is enough garbage to result in at least two page scrolls and silence the editor-types, and if not… well, sucks to be you… toodles.