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Samsung Galaxy S8
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Why the Samsung Galaxy S8 sucks

I may be a little late, but hey, you know what they say about opinions – it’s never too late to have one.

I decided to splurge for once. Long ago I made a conscious decision to have no life and no friends because I wanted the best in technology. I succeeded surprisingly easily… with the first part of that decision, I mean. This writing for magazine gig doesn’t pay as much as I thought it would. They give me a title, my own page to rant, but the pay is barely enough to cover the rent, let alone buy exotic gadgets. Thankfully I’m cute and can sell my body, and I had to a couple of times before I could afford the darn Galaxy S8+.

I have to admit, being as enamoured by tech as I am, my hands were trembling a little when I popped open the seal. there’s nothing like unboxing a gadget to get you excited. My palms were sweating like a leaky water tanker that won’t let you overtake on Mumbai roads. I was almost as enthusiastic as the street children that attack aforementioned tankers at red lights to get some free water!

Galaxy S8

“Get a grip Boo-man”, I told myself, “This is probably going to suck, like everything else anyway!” It didn’t. Not at first. Like a new love, turning on this thing was turning me on! That screen! Those curves… Poetry has been written for lesser beauty. Then again, all poetry sucks, so it’s not saying much.

I got the new grey version, like everyone else. I didn’t buy it because I liked the grey, I bought it because everyone else did, and now when they see a slob like me walking around with one, they’re going to be cursing themselves. I even make it a point to go up to them give them my yellow-toothed grin and say, “Hey, me too!”, or if it’s a woman, “Same pinch.” Never again will I actually try the pinch though!

galaxy S8

Anyways, back to this miserable device that has me paying higher EMIs than I do for my home loan… I should have waited for the S9. Just the stupid fingerprint sensor position is enough to make you hate this device. If you somehow manage to not drop it whilst thumb wrestling your phone as you unlock it, you fire open the camera and boom. Fingerprints all over the lens! The camera is awesome, but it’s like someone bringing you the best chocolate cake from the most famous baker, from a town in the depths of Germany’s Black Forest, only to lick it before handing it to you.

Boo ManThat’s not all, YouTube videos look weird all stretched out, because of the weird form factor. It’s like someone resized a phone in Photoshop, but forgot to keep the aspect ratio. Bottomline? This phone sucks harder than my neighbour’s Tullu pump that ensures I get no water all day. The only problem is, the other ones suck even more 🙁

Boo Man

Boo Man

I hate everything. Including this author description.