So apps are cool… they do stuff. Yada yada, we all know that. But there are certain apps – right from the depths of insanity – that defy logic and make you go “What the heck were they thinking?”
Disclaimer: Apple has far stricter policies for the app store and a much more stringent screening process, so don’t be surprised if you do not find iOS apps here, although some of them may have iOS alternatives.
Send me to heaven
This one did get its 15 minutes of fame when Apple officially removed it from the App Store in 2013. There is only one purpose this app fulfils – killing your phone. We don’t mean to sound over-dramatic but if throwing your new shining smartphone as high as you can in the air doesn’t count has technological homicide, we don’t know what does!
The app uses the phone’s accelerometers to judge the height to which you have flung it – and it knows when you’re cheating. So dropping it from a high enough floor doesn’t work because it measures the distance travelled against gravity as well to match it with the fall. Apple had banned it because it violates its design policy – the app encouraged wilful damage of the iOS device, while Android has enforced nothing similar and the app is still available for the adventurous among you. If competing against your friends wasn’t enough, you have global leaderboards along with weekly and daily top 10s.
If you do decide to go ahead and try it, keep in mind that SMTH developer Carrot Pop categorically denies any responsibility for damage caused to your device while using the app. And it is highly unlikely that any manufacturer would support your cause either. So the best we can do is tell you not to do it. Here’s a link to it anyway:
Trigger alert: We will make fun of the digestively challenged here. iFart is actually a well thought out app, especially for those who never get tired of gastric humour. Aiming to be your all-in-one digital fart solution, the app kicks off with the set of 32 fart sounds at your disposal – just use the scroller and hit the fart now button to let one e-rip.
There are some interesting features on this app – sneak attack and security fart. Sneak attack lets you set a timer that will play the selected fart sound when the counter hits zero. On the other hand, Security fart lets you enable a ‘fart’ lock, where any movement detected after five seconds of enabling will create another fart sound. And just in case you’re a particular kind of nasty, you can also record your own fart sounds on this one. Interestingly, there is also a fart store where you can buy fart packs – Fart Wars themed, Celebrity Farts – whatever suits your ears! Thankfully, they haven’t figured out how to replicate smell just yet.
Places I’ve Pooped
Lets just get the digestive system apps over with. Places I’ve Pooped is a fairly popular app, and there are disconnected iOS and Android versions from different developers that do pretty much the same thing – document your bowel movement with a location marker. You can only do two things on this app: place a marker on your current location to mark where you’ve ‘dropped a bomb’, and then share it with your friends on social media or messaging platforms.
Why would you do this? Our best guess is bragging rights of a strange, weird kind. But there are some uncommon use cases. As one user on Play Store puts it, “As a long haul truck driver this is a great app, helps me know which truck stops are clean and which are disgusting!” But if you’re wondering where they got this idea, this apparently has been a thing on Foursquare among some users, where they name certain locations, or more specifically, some restrooms, so that when they check-in to answer nature’s call, they can conveniently let their friends know.
This one poses a more difficult question – is the app more ridiculous or the popularity it acquired? To quote from the official description on the Play Store, “You have a list of your friends, you tap them to send them “Yo”. Yo. It’s that simple.” – Yes, exactly.
One of the things that the app boasts about is the ability to quickly reach out to someone – a simple tap on the Yo app, compared to 11 taps on compared messaging platforms. Yo also lets you send locations by double tapping the contact name, links by long pressing the contact name and even subscribe to popular publications to receive their top content as links. Needless to say, this is inexplicably popular. What confuses us is that why would you use this when there are already established platforms that let you communicate in full detail? Disagree with us? Let us know.
This one’s a fine example of something that would have sounded agreeable on paper when it was proposed but fell flat when reality happened. For those times when you don’t have a near and dear one around you, when you need a friendly hug, Hug Me lets you share virtual hugs. To begin with, you set your status as ‘Hug me’, so that you show up on the lists of those around you (based on the distance filter that they’ve set). Then, they can send you hug requests. Oh wait, you can do the same – so fulfilling, right? You can also send hugs to random strangers from around the world. It’s all about hugs – hugs, hugs, hugs everywhere, hug him, hug her, hug this, hug that… Sorry, we lost it for a moment there. That’s what an overdose of virtual meaningless hugs does to you.
Once a hug request is accepted, the two users can go on to chat. Hmm, sounds like the PG version of a certain hugely successful app.
Remember the golden rule that told you never to go full retard? Well, you should’ve told that to the designers of this app! This app essentially has one button and you have one job – to keep your finger on it. Yes – you’ve literally got one job to do! There’s a timer that keeps showing you how long you’ve been at it. Doesn’t this remind you of those childish games we used to play to see how long someone can stand on one leg? But that one required even some semblance of actual skill.
You can also connect your Facebook account to brag about your scores directly on Facebook – although in our case we didn’t need to do that and the app directly fired up an in-app Facebook posting widget for the account that was signed in on the Facebook app. Just in case you want to find out who is the most patient (read: jobless) person in your friend circle, starting this off as a challenge might not be such a bad idea.
It’s really tough to explain this app. If there was an app that could truly represent nothingness – an absolute vacuum of functionality, design and anything else that you could expect from an app – this is it. Go ahead, search for this one on the Play Store. No, your eyes are not playing any tricks on you – the app actually doesn’t have any logo, cover image or screenshots. Be brave and install it.
Then go to your phone’s menu and find the app. Still nothing, right? Remember the time and date (you might want to jot it down somewhere) because this is where you are about to experience true nothingness. Brace yourself and tap on the icon (or the absence of it). There you go – true, sheer, nothingness.
To be honest, we weren’t really expecting any use case from this app – we were overwhelmed by the Zen nothingness. But just in case you were wondering, this app is intended to be linked to unwanted shortcuts in your smartphone launcher that would otherwise register unwanted gestures and taps. As Master Yoda once said (or will say now once he uses this app), “Has a purpose, nothingness does”.
Most Expensive app
Do you have meaningless, ridiculous amounts of cash that you simply want to waste without a reason? Give it to us. No? Well, it was worth a shot! Anyway, there is one other way that you can squander away your money – status symbol apps. Yes, there are not one, but many apps on the Play Store (Apple doesn’t really allow apps that don’t offer a definite service) that simply have a huge price tag attached to them and usually don’t do much more than display a widget, a wallpaper or an icon on your smartphone as a status symbol.
If you’re thinking ‘Who the hell is going to get this?’, One of them actually has more than 100 installs. If they thought that it was a joke – well, let’s just hope that they got their refunds, shall we?
Pocket Fan Simulator
Summer is almost upon us. Well, maybe not quite, but a lot of us in India are already feeling the heat during our daily commute. There are quite a few ways to deal with that – wear airy clothing, keep water with you at all times, choose the bus over the train (like some of us actually do) or you could just get a Pocket Fan Simulator.
Out of all the simulators that I have heard of, this one takes the cake and throws it right into the fan – literally. On a hot summer day, if you do fire this app up, all you need to do is chose the fan (you’ve got a few design and colour options – a total of 7), start it and chose the speed. There you go, you can now look at a virtual fan blowing virtual air at you. As an added bonus, you can even unlock special fans by watching ads!
This article was first published in March 2017 issue of Digit. To read Digit’s articles first, subscribe here or download the Digit app for Android and iOS. You can also buy Digit’s previous issues here.